Sunday, September 30, 2012

Trapped In This Body

Depression has taken a hold of me. Anxiety rattles me to the core. Pain has a grasp on every fiber of my being. I exist only through pain. Pain has become me, I have become pain.

As I sit here writing this, I am so much pain! I can only describe it as EVERYWHERE!!! From the top of my head, to my toes are in agony. I'm on the brink of crying (I've already succumbed to that earlier) I try to distract myself with Facebook, or talking to my Hubby. But it's still there, seething, gnawing & tearing me apart.

There's nothing I can take or do to make it go away. Pain meds don't work, they only leave me constipated. (Too much info?!) I can't focus on anything, it's hard to read, crochet, or even jumble these sentences along. That's why I like Facebook... Mindless fun, support & well there isn't really all that much to focus on besides what people write. Short little diddys I can comprehend...

All I want is for the pain to die a horrible death! Die & leave me alone!! I've suffered long enough. I want you gone. I have become a shell of my former self. A fake smile plastered to my face, a fake laugh. While all I do inside is cry, weep, scream & resent these pain demons that have taken ahold of me.

I have Hope still, that's all that's keeping me going. I'm going to see a Pain Management Specialist in less than a month. I have no false hope though. I've been through that. So, sad to say I'm going to that appointment with the end results already in mind. "I can't help you. Have you seen this Doctor?"

All I can Hope for is that SOMEONE has help for me. Until that day happens, I'm trapped in this living hell. Surviving each day, only to face yet another day. Whatever that day will bring, I don't know. That's my sad, strange enjoyment. My little personal thrill ride...

*Hugs*
K8 =\

Saturday, September 29, 2012

My Own Personal D-Day

I cannot honestly believe that is has been 6 whole years. That one night, that one single "headache", that took my life & transformed it. It took away my everything & changed my life complete 360 degrees.

It all started with one Cluster Headache. Then another one the next night, then another. During its course of invading my body it added other "headaches" along the way. "Why not?!" It says. "Let's have a party up here & invite the whole gang!".  The Migraines had been invited to stay with the Clusters. Then over 3 years now a Chronic (everyday) Tension Headache has picked up housekeeping in my brain & has no plans to comply with the eviction notice I've sent it on multiple occasions. The Trigeminal Nueralgia moved in next door shortly after, with out my compliance. They are all here for some reason. They chose my brain over someone elses & I'll never know why. My body simply couldn't fight off the infiltrators. They  have placed a banner outside all of their doors reminding me, "No matter what you do, no matter how you try to evict us, we are NEVER leaving. Medications can't touch us, so keep trying!!". Then in March, they invited their cousin Fibromyalgia over. The Fibro decided it liked it here too & now is here in cahoots with them all.

They taunt me, they infiltrate me, they take me away from who I was. That person I'll never see again. They peek their heads out of their doors, just to make sure that I know they are still there. As if I'll forget!!

When they do come outside their lairs, they do so in full force. The party they throw in my cranium is horrendous & never seems to end. But somehow they get bored & go back to their dwellings, only to come out again & reek havoc on me. Over & over this process happens. I don't know when they will strike, that is their game.

However, over the past 6 years I've learned a lot. I learned that no matter how many "parties" they'll throw, I'll survive them. It may not be easy & my sanity may come in to play with it. But I know, I'll wake up the next day, only to fight off whomever comes out to play...

Not only do I have to give myself a pat on the back for being "strong", I also want to thank a few people. My husband for one, who sees me through the worst & helps me get off the edge of sanity. He is my caretaker, waiting on me, cooking for me, etc. It pains me to have him see me go through all this, but there is no one I'd rather go through it with!! I LOVE YOU MIKEY!!

My parents, for their unrelenting help. Anything they can & will to to ease my comfort, they both are right there. I know deep down inside no Mother or Father wants to see their child go through so much pain. I know it can't be easy. But the love they have for me is amazing & I love them right back! I Love you oodles Billum & Bumbie

My brother & sister in law who have seen me through this too. I know sanity isn't something someone wants to deal with first hand. Especially, when that particular person is a blubbering mess. But I thank them both for dropping what they were doing to help me in an instant!! A&K

I also want to thank all of my family members. One's who call (Tina) & check in on me. Those that offer an ear, & truly understand how hard it is to be me. Without you all I wouldn't have such an amazing support system! You know who you are!! And much love goes out to certain "Family" who surprised me with Christmas in September!!! LOVE YOU LADIES J&J!! Plus the little ones!!

Finally, I want to thank all of you who have followed, commented, & read my blog. I never knew the world outside of my house could be so compassionate. I've met (not physically) some of the best friends & supporters a gal could ask for. Facebook, Twitter & all my support group friends I love you! You know first hand what I'm going through & are always there for a suggestion or just to let me vent.

I can't do this alone, & I'm not planning to. THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL, for all your help, compassion & love you share with me. There are no words to describe how happy you all make me!!!

Much love & Hope
Kate =]

Friday, September 28, 2012

Help Achieved!!

I’m sick of the pain. I’m sick of the tired. I’m sick of some people not getting "it". I’m sick of always feeling down. I’m sick of the full-blow panic attacks. I’m sick of the sad. I’m sick of my mind play tricks on itself. I’m sick of going from feeling every mishap in my body to not feeling a thing at all. But above all, I’m just sick. Sick & tired of the relentless pain...

Sorry, just needed to vent for a minute... ♥♥

Well, I went to my Dr & get the help I soo needed to stop that horrific fibro flair mixed with a wicked tension headache. Mmm Prednisone!! I'm sorry, I do not, I repeat I DO NOT like narcotics. They don't do anything for me. Plus on the end there's addiction & the rebound headaches. To me, it's not worth it. In my 6 year battle the ONLY thing that has helped me get back to somewhat "normal" is Prednisone. Obviously, I don't like the swelling, eating like a glutton &drinking like a fish... But who does?! It removes the majority of my pain so I can have some sort of sanity, relaxation & whatever normalcy I can muster.

Here's to hoping for a good weekend!
Kate =\

Thursday, September 20, 2012

HELP!!!!

OK I'm doing it.... I NEVER ask for help, but this time I'm asking EVERYONE for help. How do you cope mentally when your physical pain is surging through you? How do you not let your mental capacity break?!

I'm an emotional person... I feel things more than other's. I always say, "Some people need a spoonful of love, while I need a wheelbarrow full!" I cannot separate my mental & physical pain. Once it gets to that point where I'm writhing on the floor in agony, I just cannot breathe through it. Or listen to music to calm me down. (Don't get me wrong THESE are WONDERFUL suggestions, they just don't work for me) I break down mentally, anxiety, I get overwhelmed. Then the next thing I know I want to kill the pain. NOT MYSELF, just the pain.

I don't know what to do. NO pain meds have helped. NOTHING will take the pain away! I just end up a ball of nerves, & in complete shock. I only ask you this, because if you broke your leg (which is as extreme my pain gets) you wouldn't be trying to soothe yourself by breathing, or putting yourself mentally on a beach with warm air, seagulls & listening to the tide. NO! You'll be focused on that agony & freaking the crap out!!!

PLEASE if you have ANYTHING that will help me, I'M BEGGING YOU TO POST A COMMENT!!
*hugs*
K8

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Helpful Information

OK, today is horrible. I have a wicked face flare up, wonderfully known as Trigeminal Neuralgia. I'm talking out of the side of my mouth. My face "feels" swollen, although it doesn't look like it on the outside. Oh, don't forget the wonderful drooling! It frickin' hurts to laugh, or chew. Any "wind" or slight touch, causes me to whelp out in pain... You know how when your foot falls asleep & you get those "pins & needles" sensation? The one's that HURT really bad? But it still feels numb? Yeah, that's what is happening to the whole right side of my face. FANTASTIC!!

Anyway, I wrote today to tell you to check out my friend's blog... (Harmless plugs never hurt anyone HAA HAAA) It's a great website for Trigeminal & Cluster Headache info. Kinda correlates to my above topic, right?!

TNNME
http://tnnme.weebly.com/



*Hugs*
K8 =

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Purpose

OK, I need to vent. I need to complain. I need to whine. Whatever it's called I need to do some & have my fair share of it!

I don't know about you but when I get insanely depressed, (nice joke there huh?) there is this one thought that keeps getting tossed around in my brain. "What is my purpose in life?" I keep throwing this around & all I can come up with are the negatives...

To be in pain.
To be one of the faceless millions suffering around the world.
To not have a life.
To be on disability.
To be invisible.
To be stuck on the couch or bed all day writhing in pain.
To not have any medications that will even help me.
To be ridiculed by other's.
To be the butt of other's jokes.
To be the party pooper.
To be plagued with emotions I can't handle.
To be a burden.
To be a shell of my former self.
To be isolated.

Those are just a few of the many! In a nut shell my life utterly & completely sucks!!

So much for stopping the self berating thoughts HUH?!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Spoon Theory

As I sit here still reeling from yesterdays post, there's one thing on my mind; The Spoonie Story. For some of you, you may never have heard of it. So that's why I am here to enlighten you!! Just Kidding... Man, am I burying SOOOO many emotions this morning...

I don't quite honestly know why its stuck in my head today. It's just an awesome story about chronic illness & how to describe it to others who just quite don't get it. I've passed it along on Facebook & Twitter, plus to my parents. But please, take time out of your day to read it. In the end you might just consider yourself a "Spoonie" like me!

*Hugs*
K8 =\

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

Monday, August 6, 2012

Anxiety, Depression & Pain = 1 Unhappy K8

I've always heard that with a chronic illness comes depression. I've never believed it until a few months ago. I've always considered myself a very strong willed, heard headed person. Not like, my way or the highway, but my way or we'll take a detour. As I've stated before, the depression didn't really bother me when I got diagnosed with the multitude of headaches. Yes, I was "depressed"' but NOTHING like I am now. Obviously it comes when your whole life is turned around 360 degrees. You're 27 years old & can't work, no life, just pain...

O.K, I'm going to tell you 100% whats been going on. Around June I noticed myself, not really being myself. I slept more than usual (which is something that comes in waves), I cried a lot more at stupid things like TV commercials, feeling completely over whelmed to the point where I would have crying binges for hours at a time, & then I had my first panic attack. Let me just say I was honestly surprised at the severity of them!! Then everyday became more of a chore than "normal" for me. I would have no ambition at all. I lost focus on my hobbies, crocheting, reading etc. When I went out into public it was HORRIBLE!! I would see all these mothers with their infants & instantly despise them with everything in me. (This comes due to the fact that my Hubby & I haven't conceived yet. I don't know if its due to my body refusing it, or what. Another unresolved issue that plagues me) I also started having panic attacks just because I was leaving the comfort of my domain. Nothing could hurt me there, everything at home I could control.

The worst part for me was the suicidal thoughts. I would have these visions in my head of jerking the steering wheel while my Hubby was driving & ending it all. There was also the planning of my funeral, wondering if I wasn't here would it make s difference, watching a knife going down my arm & laughing at all the blood pouring out, and lastly would it be that bad if I did so?

So, as that progressed I also started making up delusions & over analyzing situations. I had to re-do every part of my day & see if there was something I should have done better or something I wished I did do. (Like "All I did was sleep & lay around today, I'm so worthless") Over whelmimg myself with stupid thoughts that didn't matter. For example, I believed 100& that my Husband wasn't happy with me, & going to leave me. All because he was scared, quiet & didn't know how to help me. I sat at the kitchen table that night uncontrollably crying & apologizing to him. Realizing I was doing this to myself, for no reason at all!! Something inside my brain clicked & told me I wasn't right.

The very next day I called my doctor to make an appointment. I NEEDED HELP!! She put me on Celexa for the depression & Klonopin for the anxiety attacks. (Which were coming at a rate of 7 a day average) As a month went on the Celexa wasn't helping, the Klonopin did its job & mellowed me right out. She switched the Celexa to Effexor XR. That worked! The doctor wanted me to go to counseling for everything, but I plain refused... As I stated in my last post, this is MY BODY, MY PAIN, MY MOODS, & no one is going to tell me how to deal with it. Someone has a plan for me & I plan on facing it head on. Even if there has been bumps along the way...

I also have to mention there has been A LOT of personal stress in life too. My Hubby lost his job, so financially we are not OK. I blame & hate myself for nit being able to get a job & help. Bad luck has followed us like a storm cloud. One thing after another. Before I can even deal & face one burden, another one comes & slaps me on the face... It has not been easy & it seems like it'll never get any better.

As of right now, I'm doing OK. A lot better than I was, but not where I used to be. Anxiety attacks still plague me, my delusions have lessened, the public still bothers me, but not to a point where I despise them any more. Believe me, I still see mothers with their babies & my heart jumps into my throat. I'm still insanely jealous over friends & family members with newborns. But I'm also really happy for them. I'm only jealous because I want one!! The depression is still there & I'm still hard on myself. If I have a "good day" (bearable pain) I try to make the most of it, without pushing myself too far that I'm hurting the next day. I know normalcy will come in time, I just have to get through these thoughts & feeling without burying them.

People always tell me I'm a strong person to deal with 2 chronic illnesses & not succumb to suicide or addiction. But you know what? I'M NOT STRONG, I SURVIVE! Someone has made this my track in life & even though I fail sometimes to face it head on, I don't really have a choice. THIS IS MY LIFE, NOW & FOREVER. So, yes there has been some bumps along the way, but I plan to deal & face this struggle any way I can. I have to survive. I have to deal. I have to live my life to the fullest. Even if this wasn't what I had imagined for myself.

I write all this & am open with you with my struggles because I want everyone to know that its OK to feel this way. Maybe you don't feel 100% like I have, but depression, anxiety & suicidal thoughts are something most people deal with. Especially, in the chronic pain community. So please, the only thing I want you to get out of this is, its OK to gt help. Its OK to reach out to family, friends or whomever. Talk about whats been going on with you... Knowing you have a problem & admitting it & reaching out is very hard. But its also the BEST thing you can do.

*Hugs*

K8
=\

Friday, July 13, 2012

Friday The 13th...

I know I never finished the Migraine Awareness Month Blog Challenge... Yes, I feel absolutely horrible about that. Sometimes life intervenes. Or rather pain intervenes!!

This whole month of July seems to be going by so fast. I've been battered with pain. So much so I cannot believe this month is half way over!! Everyday seems to seep into the next, seeming like one endless cycle of pain & discomfort. I hardly know what day of the week it is.

I found out on the 2nd that my beloved doctor of 6yrs is leaving!! She & her fiancee are moving to Georgia!! This sent me right down to a massive panic attack. "You can't leave me!! You know more about me than I do!! How will I EVER find someone so compassionate, so willing to help!!" Life isn't fair for the chronic pain patient...

Then I found out I lost 12 lbs in a month! What in the world is going on?! My eating habits haven't changed, I sure as crap aren't working out!! I was floored. You know chocolate is its own food group right?!

The latest thing weighing me down, is this whole Fibromyalgia diagnosis. I can't seem to accept it. No matter how hard I try, I can't grasp the fact that this is going to be MY LIFE!! Even though I have the pain, medication & Facebook forums staring me right in the face!! Whenever I start to think about it, I have this bonfire in my mind & that image gets thrown into it. I smile so happily at the smoke emanating from its destruction. I know I have to come to terms with it eventually, but my god I don't know when that will be!! My doctor (before she left me!) asked me to try counseling. I'm sorry, this may be my hard headed, stubborn nature kicking in, but no, absolutely not! This is MY life, this is MY body, this is MY pain. This is something I'm going to have to get over MYSELF!! I need to do this for me, on my own time. Don't get me wrong, I ask others for suggestions, & help. But no one that I don't know isn't going to tell me what to do!!
Wow, that was really hard to write... 45 mins just for that little paragraph!

MRI'S. 2 of them. One of my brain, one of spinal cord. Plus a whole crap load of valium. Ok, not a "crap load", but enough to keep me sufficiently numb. This is my new up & coming adventure whenever my Drs office decides to call me back. All in the name of ruling out M.S. Oh happy happy joy joy!!

Yup, my month has been a repetitive Friday the 13th. Everyday a new challenge w/ it's own horror story. I guess I'll have to put on my armour & slay these demons, anyway I know how. Even if it's internally burning mental images!!

*hugs* to all!
K8 =]

Monday, June 25, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #25: "Through My Children's Eyes."

Write a letter to yourself from your children.

Dear Mom,

The day you rescued me from my other owners, I knew I'd love you forever. You gave me a chance at life, that they didn't see. They only saw me as a burden. Leaving me outside in a pen lined with gravel. Sometimes, they'd forget about me, so the small stones were my only meal. I never did quite understand why 2 babies born at the same time were more special than me. They've owned me for 6 whole years, since I was a BABY! Until you & Dad came along, I forgot what love was. You both saw the love I had to share, & I'm forever grateful.

I know you always haven't felt well. I can see it in your face, your movements. But Mom, I'm always here for you. I'll always lay by your side. You always say, "I think she knows I don't feel well". I do know Mom... That's why I'm always attached to you, following you wherever you go. Just take a look into my brown eyes & you'll see my love.

You took care of me Mom, let me take care of you...

Loving you forever, your fur baby,
Fudge <3


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.fightingheadachedisorders.com

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #24: "Dear Genie."

Put together a wish list for your life.

1. Be happy! No matter what happens in my life I want to remain as happy as can be. Stay positive, keep up the hope, Go With The Flow, "Be Here Now".

2. Be there for my family as much as I can. Try to make it to get togethers, crochet them things on time, & don't smother them with all my problems. Most of all I want to enjoy as much time w/ them as I can!

3. Try not to complain, or whine. I don't ever want to be one of those annoying people others can't stand. So venting is allowed, but no more "Why me" blah, blah, blah...

4. Don't be afraid to ask for help! I NEVER DO!!!

5. When people ask me how I am, I'm not going to say ok. I hardly ever tell people how I TRULY FEEL. I'm obviously not OK.

6. Maybe find some way to manage my pain better? I know after so long w/ out a treatment that works, there's little hope to find one. But I'm betting sometime, somehow, somewhere one will make its way to me.

7. Don't let the small things in life bother me. I get so wrapped up in insignificant crap. For lack of a better word... (I can't & won't say what I really want too.) If I need a down day to relax, or incapacitated w/ pain, it's OK. Life still goes on... There's always tomorrow! Another reason to be happy & enjoy my life.

8. Try my hardest to embrace my life. This is me, pain & all. Look in the mirror Kate and say out loud, "I have Chronic Headaches, I have Fibromyalgia, I'm disabled, CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE". Yes, this is literally written on my mirror. I can't face it yet. I am even having a hard time writing this. But, someday I'll be able to accept this life I've been handed.

9. Hobbies. I know this may sound dumb, but I want to do more of my hobbies. Reading, crocheting, blogging, writing, & being out doors. I live on a small lake w/ awesome neighbors & I need to take advantage of it more. Stop being a hermit!!! Also, I'd love to learn to sew, quilt, and explore more of the Knook. (Knitting & crocheting combined)

10. Last but not least, have a child...

*hugs* to all!
K8 =]

National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Migraine Awareness Month #23 "I Drank the Kool-Aid!"

We all try things out of desperation, even when our common sense is telling us they're not going to do anything. Share your experience with this.

I've been kind of waiting for this one... I don't think there isn't anything out there I haven't tried, & have miserably failed at!!

Medications: There has been over 80 prescriptions in these past 5 1/2 years. All either abortives, preventatives, pain killers, & steroids. Also not including physical therapy, a spinal tap, 2MRI's, a C.T Scan, 3 Occipital Nerve Blocks, multiple blood draws, & morphine injections when the pain wouldn't cease.

Diets: Gluten free. (Which stunk immensely because I LOVE my carbs!!!)
Migraine Diet. Which is no processed meats, no certain fruits, etc. (That didn't work either, duh!)

Holistic: Tried suggested herbs like Feverfew, & Kudzu. Herbal teas, Tea Tree Oil, Lavender... Nope, no help there!!!

I'm thinking that pretty much covers it all. There's probably more... Tee-hee!!!

*Hugs to all*
K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #22: "The Game Changer."

Tell us about a time your plans changed due either an unexpected Migraine or an unexpected Migraine-free experience.

Today is another "anniversary" for me of sorts. Today marks 3yrs of pain. Pain that happens EVERYDAY! So I'm not going to sit here & complain. Whine on & on about what it's been like. (I think we already know) So all I'm going to do is embrace this day. This is who I am, regardless if I like it or not.

What I am going to do with this post is to say Thank You. Thank you to my husband, Mom & Dad for always being there for me. Always lending a helping hand when I need it. Especially, even when I don't ask for it too. You all have been my backbone, my rocks. Leading me through this journey & I couldn't have done it w/ out you!

Thank You to all my extended family members for believing in me. Always there to lend a helping hand, or comfort.

Thank You to all my friends on Facebook & Twitter for all your guidance, comfort & not minding me when I need to complain.

Last, but not least, Thank You to all of you who read my blog & letting me share a little slice of my world with you. I appreciate all the comments, and followers. I originally started doing this to vent. However now I know you all enjoy it, makes me want to post more.

Thanks again for all your love & support!
K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #21: "Shaking in My Boots."

What's your biggest Migraine related fear. How do you cope with it?

My biggest fear is every single day of my life. I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I never know when or where I'll be, when the pain stricks me. I live in the fear that I'll be incapacitated w/ pain out in public. I'm afraid I'll get woken up by the demon in my slumber. Basically, I live in fear every single waking moment of my life. That's just the Clusters. Add in the Daily Chronic Headache, Chronic Tension, a dab of Trigeminal Nueralgia, Migraines & of course Fibromyalgia... Happy fun times!! OH YEAH! Don't forget the horrible depression I'm battling. All together we have a joyous concoction. Man, I love sarcasm...

How I cope? Not thinking. I try not to think of the demonic beings dwelling w/ in me. But it's unbearably hard not too. So my mantra in life is, "Go with the Flow". (Right Diane?!) I'm here for a reason, plagued w/ these issues. So why not just enjoy the time I feel "OK ". Life is made to be lived to the fullest right?

★Hugs to all★
K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com."

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #20: "Run, Forrest, Run!"

Describe the approach you think is best when it's time to more on to a new doctor.

One simple word...Honesty!

If you aren't happy with the physician you are seeing, then tell them why they aren't suiting your needs. You are you best advocate & should NEVER have to stay w/ a doctor who isn't helping you. Believe me, I've been through plenty of "Here take this drug & I'll see you in 6 weeks", type of doctor. Or my favorite "You have so many headache types, I just don't know where to start, & what to treat". Obviously, he's right on that aspect. But he wasn't right for ME.

Stand up for yourself! Don't take any crap. If you aren't happy, tell him/ her why! But calmly & honestly. You don't need to put up with someone who isn't compassionate, isn't helpful, doesn't return phone calls, or just doesn't understand you.

Take the time & explain why you're unhappy. Who knows it might benefit the way that doctor treats his or her next patient next time.

★Hugs★ to all & "Be here now"
K8


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Migraine Awareness Month #19: "The Match Game."

Describe your perfect doctor to treat your Migraines.

My perfect Doctor already exists. She is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me health wise. She is close to me, so I don't have to drive very far. Especially, when you're in pain, that's the LAST thing you want to do!! Here's my reasons why I LOVE her so much...

1. She listens to me. She always takes what I say & writes it down. There's never a DOUBT what I'm telling her is fictitious, or "crazy".

2. She let's me be my own advocate. I know my body better than anyone, so she knows there's certain things I won't do. But she's ok with that. She calls me her "walking medical dictionary" because I keep up to date with all my issues. I say the medication sometimes before she does!! Obviously, I'm not going to say no to something she may find beneficial. But in the end it's my decision.

3. She's compassionate. She always lets me air out frustrations, or just have a good cry. She's always there to calm me down & assure me it is indeed frustrating. I'm so young to have all this happen to me w/ in a 6yr span.

4. She's not afraid to try new things. Like acupuncture, water therapy, or a medication that may not be usually used for an illness. But she thinks it may help regardless. She is always thinking out of the box, & I like that!!

5. She NEVER gives up on me! She always pulls something out of her sleeve to try. Or refers me to a Neurologist to see if they can help. (Which 3 of the 3 washed their hands of me)

6. She's always there to answer any stupid questions. No matter how dumb I feel, or how outrageous it is, I know she won't think any less of me. Did I happen to mention I am a knowledge freak? If I don't know something about ANYTHING, I always look it up... Plus If I don't know or understand the answer she's right there for me.

★Hugs★ to all!!

K8 =]

Special shout out today, to my Mom! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUMBIE!! I love you! <3




National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Migraine Awareness Month #18: "The Price Is Right."

What one thing would you do for the Migraine community if money were no issue?

One thing?! I guess that is what makes this hard, huh?! I'd have to say I'd like to see more more certified Headache Specialists, qualified in Cluster Headaches. With that comes affordable treatment, & medications. I know in my rural area, the closest Headache Specialist is 40 miles away.

Not keeping with the assignment so to say, I'd also like to see more advocacy. More social media sites, more info, so that people like me don't feel so isolated. I feel sometimes like I'm the only one who has tried 80+ meds w/ no help. My only saving grace is Oxygen. (IF I can use it w/ in 2-3 minutes) Everyone else has found some sort of relief. Oh, but here I am complaining again...

My final wish for all of us Cluster Heads is to end all the suffering. I KNOW this will never happen, but I can wish can't I? I don't want to see anyone in pain anymore... I'm so completely sick of it myself!!

Wishing you all well!!
K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #17: "Father Knows Best."

Some understand Migraines, some don't. It's Father's Day. Write a letter to your father or the man closest to you, and talk to him about your Migraines.

Dear Dad,

All I want in life is to make you proud of me. I hope that I have turned out to be someone you are proud of. I know I never finished college, or had a decent career. I know am stricken with multiple disabling conditions, & feel like I failed everyone, even myself. I know things haven't turned out like I have planned, & that's what kills me. I never lived up to my expectations. So most likely, not yours either.

Through all of our recent health problems I know that you'll 100% be there for me, & I'll so the same. I know you understand my daily fight, my daily internal demons. So all I ask of you is to be proud of who I am now. Because you shaped me into this funny sarcastic, whitty, bubbly person.

I love you

Kate =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #16: "Lead, follow, or get our of the way."

Which role fits you and why?

GET OUT OF MY WAY!! I am so blunt, I tell it like it is. I'm sorry if I offended you, but you have to know I do it so you can hear the truth. Of course I'll say my intentions in a nice way... But I always say what I want & how I feel.

I always take the lead roll in my health care. I tell my doctor what I want to do. Even if she doesn't agree with my decision. Excuse me, but this is my body, my life, my pain. I'm the one who has to deal with it every waking moment. Obviously, I'm not going to say no to something she really finds beneficial. Did I ever mention I still can be persuaded?! Lol! I do spend a lot of my time researching my various ailments, so I'm not completely blind as to what I should do. But for the majority of my health decisions, I'm my own advocate. I know my body. I know that I may be sensitive to a certain kind of medication. (Lithium for one) So yes, I take the lead & get out of my way because no one is going to tell me what I should & should not do regarding my health.

On the other hand, I'm a leader. I do what I want & hope others follow my decisions. I don't take lightly to criticism, because I always think before I act. It's almost like they're trying to prove me wrong, when here I am thinking I did the right thing. So you better have a good argument to prove me "wrong".

But then I find myself completely hurt when I hear someone making up rumors, or talking poop behind my back. I dwell on the fact that they don't like me. Why? What did I ever do to you?! Then add in some anxiety attacks, depression & there I go down that downward spiral. I don't know why in some cases I'm so self confident in my abilities. But then if someone speaks wrongly of me I crumble... Why can't I just not care? Why do I let it bother me so? I haven't a clue...

"Be here now"
K8 =]

Migraine Awareness Month #15: Free Blog! 20 Minutes of Pure Euphoria

Blog an a Migraine related topic of your choice.


This happens to me almost every morning. Well, not EVERY morning. Especially if it's one of those nights where the insomnia fairy comes. Or especially if the pain demon leaves me reeling. If I have a "normal" night's sleep, no medication to assist me here, I have the most beautiful, awe inspiring event happen. 20 whole minutes without pain!!! Ah, it's GLORIOUS! I wake up, my eyes focus on the new day, & I'm in pure heaven. I don't want to leave the bed, because I want to savour every last drop of this blissful feeling. I rub the sleep from my eyes, & breathe. Deep, refreshing breaths. Then I close my eyes, snuggle into the blankets & my mind completely shuts off. There's no worries, no fears, just an utter calmness has swept over me. Leaving me like a cup of butter. All soft & melty.... Then time seems to fly by. Before I know it, I start to feel a little ache develop in my head. My mind suddenly leaves my pleasure zone, as it starts to focus on that single ache. It starts to grow & grow into a Tension Headache, or whatever bomb the demon seed inside of me plans to explode on me that day. By then I know it's all over. My dreams of being pain free have been shattered right before my eyes. So, then I get up. Might as well start the day & see what else is in store for me...

"Be here now"
K8 =]

National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Migraine Awareness Month #14: "Live Long, and Prosper."


Come up with a short, simple phrase or sentence that could be used when saying "Hello" or "Good-bye" to express your wishes for fellow Migraineurs.

I didn't come up with my phrase. I borrowed it from a very inspirational story.

Andy Whitfield was an actor from New Zealand. He got the lead role to play Spartacus on the Starz network hit TV show "Spartacus". (For those of you who haven't seen it, it's VERY gruesome & contains sexually explicit material.) Andy was in impeccable physical shape. I suppose the cast had to be to portray Gladiators! Anyway, at the young age of 38 he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma. He underwent treatment back in New Zealand, so he could be with his wife & young children. He had a brief period of remission, but then the cancer returned. He ultimately had to leave the show to focus on his health. Then only after 18 months after his diagnosis, he succumbed to his illness on September 11th 2011 at the young age of 39.

My Husband found an awesome documentary trailer on YouTube about his journey. Mr. Whitfield had a camera crew film his life with non-Hodgkin lymphoma for over a year. The last 2 minutes of the trailer really struck me. He shows the camera a tattoo on his arm & it reads, "Be here now". Andy then says,
"Be here now is all about being in the present, & not fearing what you don't know".


I think that quote speaks volumes!! We can all take something from that being Migraineurs. I don't know about you, but I completely fear the unknown. "What will tomorrow bring?", "What's going to happen at this doctors appointment?", "Am I going to feel ok to do this?" (add in activity here) I just think living for the present & not worrying about anything else will all help us IMMENSELY!! Why get yourself all worked up over something you can't control. Focus on today & live today to its fullest!!

"Be here now" my friends <3
K8 =]


Here is the link to watch the almost 7 minute trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE_Y5brW-ZE


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #13: "You Are Beautiful."

Write yourself a love letter. Tell yourself how wonderful you are. Remind yourself of the things you have accomplished despite Migraines. There are times when we need to be reminded of the good things about ourselves that others see that we may have missed.


Dear Me,

You ARE in fact a wonderful person despite your thoughts. You have had a rough 6 years, but look how you worked through it. You're a fighter, & now that you've been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, this doesn't change anything. You still have to keep fighting!! You cannot bury your feelings about the Fibro either. You have to face the reality & own everything that's wrong with you physically & mentally. You're existence matters, whether you believe it or not. If you were to continue down the dark depression spiral, so many people will be lost without you. K8 you NEED to overcome these feelings of shame, isolation, that you're a burden & that your life isn't worth living. Because it is!! You may not see this now, but you have a light. A bright red fire that always used to keep you positive & help other people. That fire is an ember now due to your depression, anxiety & negative thoughts smothering it. Throw all that negative baggage into the fire & feel it escape your body. Keep positive & it will NEVER return! YOU CAN BEAT THESE DEMONS!! YOU CAN & YOU WILL!!

You mean so much to family, friends & your Husband. I know the pain is unbearable at times, but you have plenty of people around you who would do ANYTHING to help. (Even if they do live in other countries) All you have to do is call, text, Facebook or tweet & someone will be there to lend a helping hand. You have to remember, your sick! Stop thinking of others & PLEASE take time to take care of YOURSELF! Because dear, you ARE worth it.

You are funny. You're an amazing talented crocheter. You always think to make things for others before you make anything for yourself. You're so anal, your house never goes a day without cleaning it. No matter how much pain your in. That's exactly what I mean about taking time for yourself. Who cares that the dishes aren't done? Who cares if there is dust on the TV? Just RELAX!! You have tomorrow, or your awesome Husband will do it!

There's so many things you accomplished in the 6 years you've been sick. You married the most wonderful man in the world. You went camping for the first time. You went to amusement parks, carnivals, plenty of sporadic road trips, you planted your first garden & had plenty of tomatoes! You spent a lot of time w/ family. Don't forget you reconnected with 2 old friends from 10yrs ago!! You turned thirty & had 2 spectacular birthday parties. You got to move into the most adorable cottage on the lake. I know fishing & just sitting by the lake is your serenity! Don't take it for granted. It helps you think & relax.

I truly think you need to calm down. Stop making a big deal over your sickness. It's OK to own the fact your sick. You're going to be sick for the rest of your life. Don't hide from your feelings. Don't worry so much about life, so that you end up giving yourself an anxiety attack. Being sick isn't a burden. It's a challenge to overcome & you of all people with your strong personality can attack life with full force. Life is ment to be lived. Mistakes will be made. But that's how we grow. We fall & pick ourselves back up & try again. Life isn't easy, especially for the chronically ill. But you know what? Don't live for tomorrow. Live for now. Take each day @ a time & go with the flow...

You're so giving & loving of others. Just remember to do so for yourself!! Oh, and K8? YOU will be OK I PROMISE!!!
I Love you with all my <3
Me


This was written by my Husband...

Dear Mrs Chappell,
Hey beautiful! Even though you think you aren't, you ARE beautiful. From the inside out. Your inner beauty is fighting a battle that is very hard for you to deal with, but is not affecting your outer beauty. Your strength is beyond comparison to a super hero. You show the power that you have to cover up the demons inside that are tearing you apart by putting a smile on your face even though your crying inside. Your poker face is very strong and even the greatest dealer of pain can't keep you from showing that great smile.
Love always and forever to infinity and beyond!
Your husband
Your Mikey





National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #12: "Let's Do the Monster Mash!"


Choose a movie monster that reminds you of your Migraines and tell us why.


Godzilla!! He is the ultimate definition of a Cluster Headache. He rises out of the unknown places of your soul, then unleashes havoc on every being in your body. He's a demonic creature, just like a Cluster. His whole life is based around pain. Very much like the demon seed dwelling within me. His voluminous footsteps are my warning of imminent doom. Then he gets closer, the pain deepens. The Army of protection hasn't scared off the beast. (Oxygen) His shriek is my crying out for the pain to cease. His tail crashing through buildings, is the pulsating thunderclap of pain. With his powerful tiny fists he grabs your head & thrashes it to the floor. Breaking every last piece of sanity within you. He leads you to believe that slamming your cranium is the only way to make him go back into the shadowy depths. Then once his reign of terror is over, he leaves the city in shambles. My body is that city; utterly depleted & exhausted. Hoping & praying that something or someone can keep Godzilla hidden away for all eternity.

Live for today, H.O.P.E for a better tomorrow
K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Migraine Awareness Month #11: "Say What?!"

What's the most ridiculous thing ever said to you about Migraines, who said it, and under what circumstances?

(I'm going to go down a different route here & get out some frustrations that have been bothering me. So while all these things are ridiculous, I need to get some things off my chest & mostly out of my head)

I've had a plentiful array of not so nice thing's said to my face & behind my back. I can't choose just one so I've narrowed it down to 3 of the most hurtful.

1. "You don't look sick". Of course I don't! I still & will always look like me!! If you could only "see" how I feel on the inside, then I think you'll understand 100%.

2. "I've had a bad headache once." Really?! Once?! That must be WONDERFUL!! Take that 1 headache & multiply that times 100! THAT'S what a Cluster feels like. Oh! And imagine that happening up to 10 times a day, for 20 minutes minimum at a time! Can I have just that 1 "bad" headache & you can deal w/ mine?!

3. People not believing me. Yes, I know I sound like a broken record repeating this over & over. But, you need to understand how much this HURTS! I cry about this all the time & I'm crying writing this now. In all seriousness, WHY would I make this up?! Not just the Clusters, but all my ailments?! You don't know the daily physical & mental fight I put up just to survive for a SINGLE day. You don't see me 24/7 so you don't see me at my worst. No one does, but my Husband. Also my Mom has only seen the tip of the iceberg. So yes, when you do see me, I may feel "ok", I may act "ok", but that DOES NOT MEAN I'm OK!! I put on the "happy face" & hide my pain well. I am NEVER without pain. So who are you to judge me & say that I'm "making this up"?


Phew, that feels better. I'm sorry if all this sounds mean, but it needs to be said. I've been holding on to so many emotions lately & this is my way of helping my sanity. There's another thing I want you to remember, some people do things to themselves to make them feel horrible the next day. I on the other hand, can't control this. EVERY SINGLE DAY is my hangover...

Thank You for letting me vent. Believe me I needed it!
K8 =]




National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #10: Name the Spokesperson

Choose any celebrity to represent Migraine (whether they have Migraine or not). Who would it be, and why?

Sorry I've been away my friends! I've had a Quacktastik weekend with family & couldn't find the time to blog. Add in the obvious, the pain, it's been a busy weekend!

If I could name a celebrity for Migraine & Headache Awareness spokesperson, I believe it would have to be Dr. Oz. I personally don't care for him much, but he speaks to a large audience. Everyone knows how he is. Plus on top of that, it seems like everything he touches turns to gold! I would quite honestly like to see someone who has suffered from said conditions be the face of awareness.

However, I'd be quite content w/ Dr. Oz. I don't know much about him personally, but he'd definitely get my vote...

Kinda short huh?! I'm sorry, but I'm just so drained & I need sleep...
K8 =]

National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge #9: "Day Dream Believer." Simple & Easy

Describe your dream day - without a Migraine to hold you back.

I think about this A LOT! It's plain & simple what I want to do...

1.Sleep! Definitely w/out being drug induced or having pain wake me up. I just want a glorious 8 full hours of restful slumber.

2.Go on a long car ride. Enjoy it w/out being uncomfortable, & stop at yard sales, & farmers markets.

3.Spend quality time w/ family & friend's. I so hate having to put on the "happy face". They all know I'm faking it anyway. Just to enjoy myself w/ my loved ones & not having anything holding me back would be QUACKTASTIK!!!

4.Volunteer at the local animal shelter. I don't care if I'm cleaning up poop, walking dogs, or cleaning bunny cages. I just want to HELP!! Again w/ my pain not holding me back, would give me the sense of validation I've been missing.

Of course I'd need more than 24hrs in the day though!

★Hugs to all★
K8 =]

National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.Fightingheadachedisorders.com

Friday, June 8, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #8: Let there be light. The Undercover Baby Blanket, Literally!!

Most Migraineurs have issues with light sensitivity. What do you do to cope with it?

Hmmm, I'm tossing around a few ideas here. Some which are very conventional, like sunglasses. But I'm not the typical "normal" human that even owns a pair of sunglasses. Case in point: I can't afford new prescription glasses now anyway. So sunglasses seem like a luxury item to me! I've been without them for so many years, I suppose I've built up a tolerance to that bulb in the sky.

When I think of "sensitivity to light" there's one & only one instance that keeps popping up in my head. The middle & end of a Cluster attack. When I kind of have an inkling one is happening & the oxygen won't cease it, I get to my bedroom. My husband knows the drill, lights off, door closed, blinds closed (if it's during the day, which is very rare for me) and last but not least grabs a vomit bag. Most of the time the Cluster hits me like a thunderclap, & my body's reaction is severe nausea, coupled with crying & gagging fits. Gagging then comes with you know what. I'll spare you the details there... Anyway, I typically find myself either on the bed or floor. Always on my hands & knees, banging my head on the hard floor or wall. I actually do have a hole in the wall, from where my head went through it!!

OK now onto my light sensitivity point. I know this may sound "weird" but I have baby blankets. Yes, cotton receiving blankets. Either the lighter ones like hospital issue, or the thicker ones that I think people use for swaddling. (I honestly wouldn't have a clue because I don't have kids, YET) I own quite a few. Some from nieces, others I've picked up at Salvation Army or Goodwill. Now I know you're thinking, "What the heck is she talking about baby blankets for?" I'm telling you they're the perfect invention!! They're light enough to drape over your head to block out light. They make the perfect tool to grasp & focus on while in the midst of a terrible headache. Plus, you can use it as a binding agent to hold an ice pack just where you need it, & block out light as well! Believe me I'm almost 31 years old, & I don't know what I'd do without them!! I actually used my new favorite one last night! It's white cotton, with pink hearts w/ wings. I had a terrible Tension Headache, which I thought was turning into a Trigeminal Neuralgia attack. All around my cheek, jaw, & nose were in such horrible pain. It hurt to talk, or even move said areas. So I got out my trusted ice pack, folded it into my blanket, then wrapped the blanket around my head. I actually fell asleep like that!! So it must've been soothing right?! I know, I'm weird... But I'm telling you, try it! You just may like it!! I can't believe I openly admitted to sleeping with a baby blanket!! My secret is out now, there's no turning back!!!

Here's to all of you weird folk, like me! Just kidding...

K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge #7: List topper, Cluster Headache Misconceptions

There are lots of myths and misconceptions about Migraine. Which one tops your list as the biggest and most common? What can we do to get the truth out there?

The #1 thing that bothers me the most about Cluster Headache misconceptions, is the pain. I ALWAYS hear, "Oh! It's just a headache, get over it." OK, I'll remember that next time I'm writhing in agony, banging my head on the floor. (Sarcasm ia wonderful isn't it?) If you've never experienced a Cluster before all I can tell you is congratulations!!! It is so horrific, I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy!! I always describe my Clusters as a demon running an amok in my head. Poking, prodding, stabbing at whatever sanity still exists. However, I did a little bit of research so this may be a teeny bit more helpful.



A cluster headache strikes quickly, usually without warning. Typical signs and symptoms include:

-Excruciating pain, generally located in or around the eye, but may radiate to other areas of the face, head, neck and shoulders

-One-sided pain

-Restlessness

-Excessive tearing

-Redness in the eye of the affected side

-Stuffy or runny nasal passage in the nostril on the affected side of your face

-Sweaty, pale skin (pallor) on the face

-Swelling around the eye on the affected side of your face

-Reduced pupil size

Drooping eyelid


The pain of a cluster headache is often described as sharp, penetrating or burning. People with this condition say that the pain feels like a hot poker being stuck in the eye or that the eye is being pushed out of its socket.
People with cluster headache appear restless, preferring to pace or sit and rock back and forth to soothe the attack. In contrast to people with migraine, people with cluster headache usually avoid lying down during an attack because this position seems to increase the pain.

Some migraine-like symptoms, including nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, and aura, may occur with a cluster headache, though usually on one side. Via http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cluster-headache/DS00487/DSECTION=symptoms



I really in all honestly think that to get the word out there is AWARENESS!! So many of my friends on Facebook have to be annoyed with my ever constant headache posts. But how will anyone know, if I don't put it out there for people to see?!


Wishing you all a pain free day. I see a couch that DESPERATELY needs my company today =[

K8 =]



National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #6: Name That Tune!

Choose a theme song for Migraine disease or your headache disorder.

Ok, you must know one thing about me. I LOVE music! So this is very hard for me to choose just one theme song. I like such a wide variety, that some of which may not be "family" friendly. So, I've narrowed it down to a few songs (which do not contain potty mouth) & I've posted the lyrics below.



Been disconnected for so long
And left my mark here along the way
So many years have come and gone
So many fears have remained the same

It turns to silence
A silence sometimes I can hear
Internal violence
A struggle deep within what if

What if I leave, could I still breathe
What if I breathe, could I still be
And if I leave, would I be me

I lost my hope along the way
-What If

If I were to write a song TO my headaches this would be it:
I can't bear to face what's growing in my head
Please get away from me
Take advantage of what I feel, yes you do
One day you'll beg for me  

So I'm saying nothing
Each day taking that much more
As I'm screaming all my pain
You will be there counting  

You just see me as something you throw around
You weren't there for me
Beating down to the ground
Yes it always seems
You take more from me  

So I'm saying nothing
Each day taking that much more
As I'm screaming all my pain
You will be there counting  
-Counting by Korn



I hurt so bad inside.
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Each day is the same
I just wanna laugh again.

Keep hoping.
Nothing to spare.
So my life.
Isn't quite there.
-Dirty by Korn




Where do I take this pain of mine?
I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like a stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps

So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
Don't want it

I'll tear me open, make you gone
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/metallica-lyrics/until-it-sleeps-lyrics.html )
No more can you hurt anyone
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me until it sleeps

It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you
Holds you until it sleeps

Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps
Until it sleeps

I don't want it
I don't want it, want it, want it
Want it, want it, no

So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me 'til I'm clean

I'll tear thee open, make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone
And the hate still shapes me
So hold me until it sleeps
-Until It Sleeps by Metallica

Happy Wednesday to all!!
K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Migraine Awareness Month #5: "Do That To Me One More Time."


What comfort measure do you find helps you enough during a Migraine that you go back to it again and again, and how do you use it?


I'm telling you after I received this pillow, I don't know what I did before it!! You can fold, twist & maneuver this to any position that fits your needs. The one side is a soft Velour, while the other is a silky nylon. It's not hard nor overly soft either! It's completely portable & small enough to be packed w/ you for car rides etc. It now comes in very snazzy prints, zebra & I believe camouflage. Had I known that when it first came out, I would've waited for the print versions. Now I'm stuck with the drab blue. Ha ha!! You can find the pillow @ Walmart. A few years ago it was $14.98. I don't know if the price has went up, or if the printed ones are more expensive. Oh!! I've owned & used the pillow for close to 2 years. It has retained it's shape quite well. Its almost molded to the shape of my head!! (I hope this doesn't sound like I'm writing a consumer review! Oh well, I am actually!)

This is by far my favorite pillow. That is when the pain isn't so bad to the point where I can't lay down! I have so many other rituals that make me feel comforted, but I could then drone on for hours...

Hope this was helpful!

K8 =]

National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #4: "June Is Bustin' Out All Over!"

Whats the best tip you can offer others for having some summer fun despite Migraines? Be a hermit!! Don't leave the house!! Oh no, I'm just kidding...

My fellow Cluster Headache sufferers:

If you are anything like me where no medications can prevent the demon living in your head from going bat crap crazy, I have no help to give you. I'm a ticking time bomb, I never know when or where the monster will rear its ugly head!! 80+ meds & still no relief!! My only abortive
measure is my beloved oxygen. And that's only if I can catch the Cluster w/ in 2-3 mins!!!

Tension/ Exertion Headaches:

One simple rule here. DON'T OVER DO IT!! The heat is not your friend! It does not like you & will make you suffer immensely!! Another thing, if you feel nasty that hermit idea sounds pretty good huh?! Nice A/C will sooo soothe a throbbing tension headache! HA HA!!


I recommend having a few simple items with you in case you leave the comfort of your abode:

1. Medications / portable Oxygen
2. An ice pack in the cooler
3. Sunglasses
4. A pillow for your back, neck, or for elevating feet
5. Water DRINK PLENTY OF IT!!
6. A snack. Just in case you can't handle a heavy meal

Also there's one other simple rule to remember here, now pay attention because all of us can learn from this. Ready?! IT'S OK TO SAY NO!! If you don't feel well, there's absolutely no reason to put your body through it. Give yourself some slack! YOUR HEALTH is way more important!! (Believe me, I'm still struggling with this) But you know what? If you have understanding people around you, you won't be letting anyone down but yourself. You know, the guilt you implement on yourself for missing out, & feeling like a burden. Sound familiar?!

I hope this helped! Have a fantastic Monday!

K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #3: Just shoot me now!

Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge #3: "Just shoot me now!" What's your worst Migraine trigger? Can you avoid it? How do you handle it? Oh, triggers. How I despise the... I have so many that break me down, leaving me incapacitated in its wake.

Heat/ Humidity: Picture this. It's a beautiful 85 degree summer day. Your family is over & you are having a cook out. Being outside in this heat has made you start sweating profusely. You're completely saturated. Then you start to feel this tightening in your head. It feels like a rubber band being squeezed around your cranium, to the point where you can't possibly take anymore. Oh! And then comes the fun part. Nausea!! You can't eat, you can't possibly smell the food being cooked all around you. If you're lucky you won't gag in front of your guests. If not, it'll all come up. Yes, you guessed it! Every single pair of eyes are on you, while your doing the unthinkable!! There's nothing you can do to prevent this whole ordeal. No amount of water, medication or positive thinking NOTHING!! Besides, worrying what's going on inside of your body, already makes it impossible to put on "the happy face". There's no grin & bear it anymore. Your making a spectacle of yourself & EVERYONE around you knows it!! Welcome to my summer...

Stress: I know, I know everyone has the stress issue. So there's really no need to elaborate on this one, eh? There's things I can do to help calm myself down, but it always seems to bite me in the butt!!

Lack of sleep: Yet again, this one I dont really need to elaborate on... It happens due to immense, conatant pain, or stress.

Depression: But ofcourse this one HAS to go on my list. With everything I've been going through lately this one is inevitable. Especially when it's all mixed with mind racing, worrying, anexiety etc. Fun times!! The antidepressants haven't taken effect yet. So all I can do is reach out & ask others for help. But most of all, BREATHE!! Things will be ok, I know this. However, when I start to get panicky, life doesn't seem as easy as it should be.

Knowing & learning when I need to relax: This has proven to be REALLY, I MEAN REALLY hard for me. There's always something that needs to be done, obviously because I'm so anal. Dishes can't be left in the sink & everything NEEDS to be in its spot. Oh, my Husband, Mother & Father can tell you how "particular" I am. HA HA!! I need to learn when to relax & DO IT!! I'm always to worried about everyone else, but not about me & my condition.I think that's about it...

I can't think of anything else. My brain is so fried right now trying to throw around ideas. Anywhoo I think this is pretty long anyway!!

Have a happy painfree Sunday everyone!!
K8 =]

National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month #2: Tea for Two (Family Q&A)

Hmmm.... If I could invite any living person over for tea, so that they could fully understand my condition... I would invite my whole family. NOTE: THIS IS NOT A BAD THING!! If I had everyone from my Husband's side, plus mine all in one room, I'd have a Headache Conference!! HA HAA!! Q&A?! Sure!!! Hit me with your question!! I really honestly think having everyone all together, they won't feel weird about asking questions. Because someone is bound to ask all the personal ones, plus questions about topics someone maybe is afraid to ask! The best thing about this is, I would be greatful knowing they all showed up for me, plus they would leave with more knowledge then they came in with!!

Let me just clarify here for a second. My family & extended family are the best support group I could ever ask for. All I mean by this topic is, there has to be something someone out there is afraid to ask me. In a group setting that person may feel more comfortable to ask that question. I know some are more knowledgeable on my daily life than others. All I want out of this "tea date" is everyone feeling like they know, understand & comprehend all that I go through. Also to not feel ashamed, or burdened by asking me ANYTHING! I'm an open book, I'll always answer anything!!

Hmmm, this may just have to happen!! Great idea huh?! I'm sooo giving myself a pat on the back for this one!!! =]

Have a great pain free day everyone!!
K8 =]

National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge #1: Your First for the First.

Share the story of your first Migraine, what it was like, if you knew what it was, what you did, how you felt.
If you have a different headache disorder, please join us! Just substitute your headache disorder for Migraine and share with us.

My first experience with a Cluster Headache started in the middle of the night on September 29th 2006. I was 25, a newlywed & enjoying life. Around 2am I was sleeping soundly & was awoken with the most terrifying pain. The stabbing & burning agony was centered around my right eye, forehead, & temple. I honestly thought I had developed a brain tumor! I crawled on to the floor, laid there on my hands & knees with my head in my hands. I rocked back & forth, also while sporadically banging my head on the hardwood floor. I cried endlessly & shrieked out in pure agony. While also begging & pleading for the thunderous pain end! After 20 minutes, it stopped completely. I was dumbfounded because there was no pain at all, it just stopped! The only signs of its reign of terror was leaving me lethargic & feeling like I got ran over by a U-Haul moving truck. I was immensely shocked & terrified by what occurred. I couldn't believe it at first. It seemed to me like it was the worst nightmare in history. Then my poor Husband watching it all helpless to its wrath, broke my heart!! He couldn't believe it either! He kept asking me was I OK. All I could mutter was yes & I fell back asleep.


H.O.P.E

HOLD ON PAIN ENDS


K8 =]


National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation. The Blogger's Challenge is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dark Cloud of Sorrow...

Let me just start out by saying this may get a little deep here so bear with me…

I am such a weird person, that I’ll never admit I have a problem. Not just any little old problem. A mental problem… I will never tell anyone around me that I am depressed, anxious, or even mad. But something deep inside me told me what I was feeling wasn’t normal. I didn’t have to suffer with these thoughts, feelings & horrible emotions. So I sucked up my pride & asked my doctor for help. Lately this whole chronic condition drama has been getting to me. I’d like to think that after almost 6yrs of dealing with chronic headaches, my mental health has been great. I don’t let “it” get to me, seems like I am more influenced by others… Other peoples reactions to me, thoughts, & actions. I also don’t bury my feelings, if I have a problem you better be sure there is going to be a long stream of word vomit emanating from my mouth!!

Like I said before (I got side tracked as usual) I admitted to myself I have a problem & asked for help. I have been getting these immense panic attacks. I’ve never had one before & I never realized how severe they can be! I just succumbed to all that has been going on with me. I crippled under the pressure, & my body couldn’t take anymore. I have been getting the whole “Why me” & “I cant do this” thoughts. I’ll be very honest, I even had thoughts of suicide. The pain has invaded my castle, taking over every single aspect of my kingdom. Changing the rules, making a new Queen, & sending the Huntsman after my heart. Sending a dark cloud of despair throughout my whole being. I wasn’t strong, I lost my drive, my determination, & the Huntsman has caught up to me.

As of right now as I sit in a hospital waiting room (family member having minor surgery) I feel a little better. The panic attacks have diminished to 2 a day besides 12. Not only have the medications helped, but I’ve also changed. I’ve stopped thinking of “Why me” & instead say “Why not me?” I have stated this many times & I’ll keep repeating it until the day I die, IM A FIGHTER!! WHY CANT I DO THIS? Maybe there is a reason I got chose to handle these burdens. Just because my life didn’t turn out the way I expected it to (SERIOUSLY WHOSE LIFE REALLY DOES?) doesn’t mean I cant enjoy the time I have left. I can handle this, I can, I can, & I will. Because in all honesty, I don’t have a choice! I don’t have another body I can transfer to, even though that would be awesome!!! I think my next realization about myself has to be, knowing & allowing myself to relax. I have to not think of myself as a burden too. Whenever I have a bad day, I always think, “I wish I could do this”, or “That needs to be done.” Breathe K8 calm down… Like the famous movie states’ “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

Lots of hugs to all!
K8

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A lesson To Us All

I had to learn a hard lesson recently. Today I am more than thankful for it, but getting to this place hasn’t been easy. I cannot give actual specifics of what set me off. But I think the value of what I learned is worth sharing with you all.

It all started with something I’ve shared with you before, the lack of empathy. The details of how I was upset isn’t important, but I can say I was really hurt. I felt isolated, alone & quite honestly like I have the plague. I felt like no one wants to be around me, maybe because people think I’m contagious I don’t know… However, I knew deep down inside what I was fretting over was ridiculous. I knew I shouldn’t be upsetting myself so much over something I can’t change. I can’t change the way people react to me. I can’t for the life of me make someone react the way I want them too. I was focusing SO much over what I “wanted”, and not looking at what I already have.

So, while all this ridiculousness was festering in my brain, I threw myself into a downward spiral. All mixed with crying, depression, self hatred, regret for all that’s wrong with me, having to let down others, anger at myself & those who I think didn’t seem to care, despair & craving a sense of normalcy in my tumultuous life. I always fight that battle. Everyday when I wake up, I just wish for one single day I can be normal. But we all know that right? =]

So I went to the usual place where I can vent, Facebook. Yes, that social networking sight. Which is funny because Facebook is what started this whole debacle. I did what I wanted, said what I needed to without hurting anyone or bringing up specifics. Yes, I know I probably shouldn’t have “aired my dirty laundry” & started drama. But you have to understand at that particular moment I was raging mad. I’m not making excuses for myself, but I feel deep down to my very core it was what I needed. (Besides if I didn’t do it I wouldn’t have this awesome story of empowerment, and companionship to tell you!!)

So through the power of social networking my will was done. I’ll admit, I said what I did to get a response from people. I needed to know that what I was feeling didn’t make me crazy. What I didn’t expect was the outpouring of love from people I’ve never even physically met! (As I’ve stated before I have an amazing bunch of people who are like my family. Wonderful people from all over the world, who all have one thing in common, pain. Everyday we support, encourage, and send love across the miles) I never knew how deeply these friendships have developed. I look forward to speaking with them all everyday, but I didn’t expect SO much empathy. That right there upset me too. How is it that someone I’ve only known over the internet uplift me more than those who are around me?!

So getting to the point here, I discovered that everyone wants to be wanted. Everyone needs to be needed. The whole issue is, you can’t always get what you want. I ALWAYS want people to ask me how I am, ask questions about my conditions, or even ask what my day is like. If they don’t, I feel like they just don’t care about what I’m going through. I feel (once again) that lack of empathy, acceptance, encouragement, & love! So through the thoughts of others I realized that some people aren’t like that. Some people maybe don’t know HOW to ask. That was THE big realization for me…

“Maybe they want you to feel as normal as possible, so they don’t bring it up. Or maybe it upsets them too so they don’t want to talk about it. Unfortunately that’s just something you have to deal with and not let bother you.”
My friend “J”


Ok, makes sense… But how hard is it to ask a simple question?! It might just be me, but I’m a knowledge freak. If I don’t know about something I’m right on the internet scouring for information. On the other hand, I can absolutely see her point. Some people are just dumbfounded over all that’s wrong with me. So it may make them uncomfortable asking about something so life changing.

“I think its because you’re an over sensitive person (for lack of a better word) But in a good way, not a bad way. When you care about something it’s with your whole heart & being. So it’s hard for you to deal with people who aren’t like you. Because if the shoe was on the other foot, you’d be very upset & overly caring about the person (s) in need. Nowadays it’s like people are desensitized to the needs of other people. They can’t look beyond their own noses & lives to see the other person reaching out for help. Just hang in there. You’re a shining example to other people as to how they should be acting and feeling.”
My friend ”J”


I read this, I had tears in my eyes. She said exactly what I needed to hear, & plucked the words right out of my soul. I someone to analyze me, & tell me that I’m ok. I needed someone to assure me that my existence however small it is, matters. That I K8, am loved & needed. She relaxed fears, & made me realize that I’m alright.

A simple act of kindness goes a long way. Helping a friend through a rough patch, or reassuring someone that they are loved, or maybe just asking a simple question. It never hurts to reach out, & say a few simple kind words. This can be related in anyone’s life. My fellow chronic pain people, an ill family member, a new set of parents, or anyone. You have no idea how much it lifts the other persons heart!! It can make their whole day a little brighter.

Also, I really have to say that a little self assurance in your battles goes a long way too. One has to have that boost of confidence that what your doing is right, you’re fight is validated, that you can stand up for yourself, that you have HOPE things will be ok. Also having that support group to back you up, makes it so much easier to deal with it all. Having that backbone of people to listen to you vent out your frustrations makes your day go by A LOT smoother. Because in all honesty, they’ve probably gone through the same thing, or something almost like it!!

Here’s the lessons of this rant I want each & everyone of you to understand:

1. Reach out to a friend, family member, ANYONE!! Say some kind words, or ask if they need help

2. Have a support system you can rely on

3. Don’t fret over the little things in life. Focus on what you have,
not what you want!!

4. Who cares what other people think! Deal with the hand you’ve been dealt.
Do what makes YOU happy.


“It’s tough enough dealing with this illness without supporting other people.”

“I have stopped worrying what other people think. If they don’t have compassion then I don’t want to know. I think when you feel that bad your mind starts to put more into things, for you to dwell on. Constant pain is torture for the mind, body and soul. Be good to yourself, it’s not your fault you’re in such pain”.

Many hard lessons were learned, but all the positives outweigh the negatives. I’m a stronger person, but most of all I know I’m not alone. There are people out there who care, & are more than willing to help me. Some of the people who I thought cared, don’t know how to ask me about my condition. So I’ll have to institute a way to better project my illness, so other people can feel helpful towards me. Still in the long run those insignificant others that blatantly said they don’t want to hear about my “issues” don’t matter to me, because I have the best support group one could ask for. I don’t need any negativity in my bubble!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Well it's official...

I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I can't say I didn't know it was coming. I've felt some pain in my lower back, hips, knee's, shins, ankles, shoulders, and the back of my head. At first when this started a month ago, I thought I wasn't wearing the right shoes. It didn't feel like I was getting enough support. However, no matter what I did, it never seemed to go away! Me being the knowledge freak I am immediately started looking up all my pains & everything thing I read pointed to Fibromyalgia.


I can honestly say, I'm ok with the diagnosis. I knew something was wrong, & I prepared myself for the worst. I can't speak for my family, but they all seemed more scared than I was. It all comes down to this, I'm a fighter, this or any condition I have IS NOT going to beat me!!


Let me just fill you in on what the Fibromyalgia has been like...

I have an easier time with it in the morning. My body is easier to maneuver, & I don't wake up in too  much pain. (The head is a whole other story. Still fighting that daily battle!) I feel this constant deep ache, tingling, and then as the day progresses it turns into a shooting pain. Starting from my ankles, all the way up to my hips & lower back. Then back down again. (That's not even including the pain radiating in my shoulders & neck) It's bearable then goes to a complete shocking pain. It is comparable to my 20lb pug Fudge jumping on me constantly. Pounding & pounding, never ending. It hurts to walk, but it hurts more to lay down. The pressure of the couch is enough to send my tender areas into over drive! As evening falls, I'm lucky if I can even get up. My God, I feel like I need a walker. I'm all hunched over, baby stepping my way through the house.


I've fallen 4 times so far (no injuries just bruises) & had quite a lot of episodes where I couldn't get up. The first time really rocked me. My husband & I had some family members over & as hard as I tried, I couldn't get up off the couch. That really bothered me. My body was failing me & there was absolutely nothing I could do about it!! I instantly broke down in tears, making a spectacle out of myself. Inside I kept saying my mantra, "This isn't going to beat me" & my body finally complied, also with the physical strength of a family member aiding me to a standing position. Hey, everyone no matter how strong needs a weep. I never had mine with this new diagnosis, so maybe that was my time!


Speaking of Fudge, I also knew something was terribly wrong with me when she wouldn't leave my side. (This was before the diagnosis, but she still does this every day.) Everyday she'd camp out right next to me on the couch. She'd follow me all around. Now if I wince in pain & cry out, those big brown eyes will look into mine, assuring me everything would be ok. She's quite the Mama's girl now! She's calmed down quite immensely, & never ever jumps on me anymore!! Yay!!


Well that's about it. I'm new to this whole Fibro world & haven't really figured out if I have any flare triggers, or what meds will help. My doctor put me on Lyrica & I'm still in the transition of upping the dosage. So if anyone has some tips, ideas or what medicines have worked for anyone with Fibromyalgia, your input is greatly appreciated!! I want to know all I can, so that my demon fighting army is ready for battle!!


Wishing you all well,

K8 =]


Saturday, March 24, 2012

I'm so tired...

I don't know why I'm even writing this. I'm so terribly tired. Maybe venting about it will help me sleep. In all seriousness, I haven't been sleeping well. It seems like the only time I do sleep is when it's drug induced. Mmm muscle relaxers... They may "help me" sleep, but it's not a good, refreshing slumber. For the past week, I've probably slept an average of 1 to 3 hours a night. I don't know why!! The pain hasn't been terrible. (knocking on wood) The pain levels are nothing I haven't dealt with before. I just honestly can't drift off. I wake up constantly, either hot or my head is doing its normal pain dance. My husband & I sleep with a fan on & the windows open. So it's not actually "hot" in the boudoir. The worst part is I'm keeping the Hubby up too. My tossing & turning, tosses him too! I feel so guilty. If I knew why I'm an insomniac, I wouldn't feel this much regret!!


I'm not going to turn to medications either. I'm sick of taking them & who knows if it will even help?  Also, I only drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning. I don't drink anything else all day w/ caffeine. I haven't changed my diet. I've ruled everything else out. It's almost like my "sleep switch" is stuck in the off position. Something inside me is stopping me from meeting the Sandman on my pillow each night.


I just don't get it. Im TIRED darn it!!  Physically my body is giving up, I'm exhausted. Literally seconds away from being clinically insane. I'm delirious. I laugh at the stupidest things... I'm just torn. I hope things turn around, or I'm going to... I don't even know. Go insane?! Lol!


Here's to some sweet dreams

K8 =]

Monday, March 19, 2012

Double Rainbow!

"Everyone wants to be happy and nobody wants to feel pain, but you can’t make rainbows without any rain." ~Unknown


Yesterday was a glorious day here in my part of the world. It was 77 degrees out! Unheard of for March. My Husband & I got a lot done outside. We cleaned up the yard of all the sticks, leaves, and dog waste. Lol!! (I helped as much as I could. Hubby did most of the work) While we were enjoying the miraculous weather, a storm rolled in. I ran outside to catch this beautiful sight, getting soaked in the process. But it was so worth it!




K8 =]

Friday, March 16, 2012

Holy Crap On A Cracker!!! What a Day!!

Well, today has been a VERY good day!! First of all I feel like crap. The pain won't subside, & leave me alone. (that's nothing new!!) I got to see pictures of my friends baby, due in June. This is her 2nd child, a baby boy in 3D!! Then (this one made me so very happy) I see a link on Facebook announcing that us Migraine & Cluster Headache Demon Fighters have a RIBBON!! IT'S PURPLE!!! Funny, my phone case is purple, my bracelet is purple, I have purple purses... OK, my favorite color is purple!! (That's why I got so excited!) OK, OK getting off track... Then I see on Facebook from a good friend, that my blog has been added to the Headache Disorder Blog Network!! I'm so appreciative, honored, amazed. The list goes on & on.

The only reason I started this blog was for me & to find others like me. It's a small space in this world, where my feelings can be released. I can vent, cry, and be frustrated, and no one will judge me. This is just my place, for therapy, to make myself feel better! I never would've advertised this blog if it wasn't for Twitter. I've never physically met another human with my condition. However, through social networking I have "met" some really honest, empathetic, friendly, people who have become my second family. Plus, they all know what I go through, because most of them have the same conditions I do! No matter if I'm down, or happy as a clam, I know that a few pushes of a button I have someone there who completely understands what I go through! (Besides my husband of course) Thanks to all of my dear friends who believe, understand, love, and will always lend a helping hand!!

Well, I said what I needed to. Not very well, I know I'm not the best at getting feelings out into the open, but I think I got my point across! I want you to know I welcome everyone to my world & love opinions. So please leave a comment!! Also, due to my condition, I'm not on here all the time. So please don't expect to hear from me a lot. I post about once a week or 2 weeks. Thank you all & I am looking forward (now more so) to sharing my small world with you! =]

K8

Monday, March 5, 2012

Poem...

"Invisible Disease "

See her pain
Feel her sorrow
She wants no gain
Just sees tomorrow

Consistently one sided
Invisible disease
Why was this decided
Nothing done with ease

Smiling face
Covers the fire
Drugs can't chase
Painless desire

My husband wrote his poem today. There's no additional  words needed. I cried, knowing how deeply he understands. It takes my breath away every time I read it. <3

Friday, March 2, 2012

Validation

I hurt so bad inside,
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Each day is the same,
I just wanna laugh again...

This song lyric has stuck with me throughout my whole ordeal. There's nothing more that I want & need more than validation, acceptance & feeling "normal". I do say "normal" a lot, but you have to understand I'm far from normal. I do not lead a "normal" life, I don't have a job, or kids. (Dog's count right?!)  I can't make plans without changing them due to my pain levels. If it's a holiday, well pardon my french, I'm screwed. Put on the "happy/strong face" & deal with it. Out of the week, 5 days I do not get dressed. Pj's have become my wardrobe, overtaking my dresser. It's pretty sad when I have more PJ's than regular clothes. My life unfolds while I take refuge on the couch or bed. The only thing I look forward to during the day is, "When will it (the pain) stop", "I wish I could do this" (insert activity here), and sadly the negative thoughts that come with depression. WHY am I not good enough? WHAT did I do to deserve this?

I'd just love a "normal" life that would entail a full time job, a functional social life, basically all the things one could do with a pain free existence! 


All I want out of life right this now is to feel a sense of validation. A feeling that I matter, that I was put here on this Earth for a reason. A reason that doesn't include suffering...  That doesn't include the small feelings I get when I finish a crochet project. I'm talking like long term fulfillment!  Something you would get from volunteer work. I would absolutely love to do so, but I never will know how I'll feel. This sense of worthlessness has NEVER gone away. It's something I've always battled. Everyday feels worthless. You get a good day & feel productive, but the self fulfillment never stays around. It leaves as soon as you have a week of bad days. Which is "normal" for me!! Ughhh, I tell you it's so frustrating!!