Sunday, September 30, 2012

Trapped In This Body

Depression has taken a hold of me. Anxiety rattles me to the core. Pain has a grasp on every fiber of my being. I exist only through pain. Pain has become me, I have become pain.

As I sit here writing this, I am so much pain! I can only describe it as EVERYWHERE!!! From the top of my head, to my toes are in agony. I'm on the brink of crying (I've already succumbed to that earlier) I try to distract myself with Facebook, or talking to my Hubby. But it's still there, seething, gnawing & tearing me apart.

There's nothing I can take or do to make it go away. Pain meds don't work, they only leave me constipated. (Too much info?!) I can't focus on anything, it's hard to read, crochet, or even jumble these sentences along. That's why I like Facebook... Mindless fun, support & well there isn't really all that much to focus on besides what people write. Short little diddys I can comprehend...

All I want is for the pain to die a horrible death! Die & leave me alone!! I've suffered long enough. I want you gone. I have become a shell of my former self. A fake smile plastered to my face, a fake laugh. While all I do inside is cry, weep, scream & resent these pain demons that have taken ahold of me.

I have Hope still, that's all that's keeping me going. I'm going to see a Pain Management Specialist in less than a month. I have no false hope though. I've been through that. So, sad to say I'm going to that appointment with the end results already in mind. "I can't help you. Have you seen this Doctor?"

All I can Hope for is that SOMEONE has help for me. Until that day happens, I'm trapped in this living hell. Surviving each day, only to face yet another day. Whatever that day will bring, I don't know. That's my sad, strange enjoyment. My little personal thrill ride...

K8 =\

Saturday, September 29, 2012

My Own Personal D-Day

I cannot honestly believe that is has been 6 whole years. That one night, that one single "headache", that took my life & transformed it. It took away my everything & changed my life complete 360 degrees.

It all started with one Cluster Headache. Then another one the next night, then another. During its course of invading my body it added other "headaches" along the way. "Why not?!" It says. "Let's have a party up here & invite the whole gang!".  The Migraines had been invited to stay with the Clusters. Then over 3 years now a Chronic (everyday) Tension Headache has picked up housekeeping in my brain & has no plans to comply with the eviction notice I've sent it on multiple occasions. The Trigeminal Nueralgia moved in next door shortly after, with out my compliance. They are all here for some reason. They chose my brain over someone elses & I'll never know why. My body simply couldn't fight off the infiltrators. They  have placed a banner outside all of their doors reminding me, "No matter what you do, no matter how you try to evict us, we are NEVER leaving. Medications can't touch us, so keep trying!!". Then in March, they invited their cousin Fibromyalgia over. The Fibro decided it liked it here too & now is here in cahoots with them all.

They taunt me, they infiltrate me, they take me away from who I was. That person I'll never see again. They peek their heads out of their doors, just to make sure that I know they are still there. As if I'll forget!!

When they do come outside their lairs, they do so in full force. The party they throw in my cranium is horrendous & never seems to end. But somehow they get bored & go back to their dwellings, only to come out again & reek havoc on me. Over & over this process happens. I don't know when they will strike, that is their game.

However, over the past 6 years I've learned a lot. I learned that no matter how many "parties" they'll throw, I'll survive them. It may not be easy & my sanity may come in to play with it. But I know, I'll wake up the next day, only to fight off whomever comes out to play...

Not only do I have to give myself a pat on the back for being "strong", I also want to thank a few people. My husband for one, who sees me through the worst & helps me get off the edge of sanity. He is my caretaker, waiting on me, cooking for me, etc. It pains me to have him see me go through all this, but there is no one I'd rather go through it with!! I LOVE YOU MIKEY!!

My parents, for their unrelenting help. Anything they can & will to to ease my comfort, they both are right there. I know deep down inside no Mother or Father wants to see their child go through so much pain. I know it can't be easy. But the love they have for me is amazing & I love them right back! I Love you oodles Billum & Bumbie

My brother & sister in law who have seen me through this too. I know sanity isn't something someone wants to deal with first hand. Especially, when that particular person is a blubbering mess. But I thank them both for dropping what they were doing to help me in an instant!! A&K

I also want to thank all of my family members. One's who call (Tina) & check in on me. Those that offer an ear, & truly understand how hard it is to be me. Without you all I wouldn't have such an amazing support system! You know who you are!! And much love goes out to certain "Family" who surprised me with Christmas in September!!! LOVE YOU LADIES J&J!! Plus the little ones!!

Finally, I want to thank all of you who have followed, commented, & read my blog. I never knew the world outside of my house could be so compassionate. I've met (not physically) some of the best friends & supporters a gal could ask for. Facebook, Twitter & all my support group friends I love you! You know first hand what I'm going through & are always there for a suggestion or just to let me vent.

I can't do this alone, & I'm not planning to. THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL, for all your help, compassion & love you share with me. There are no words to describe how happy you all make me!!!

Much love & Hope
Kate =]

Friday, September 28, 2012

Help Achieved!!

I’m sick of the pain. I’m sick of the tired. I’m sick of some people not getting "it". I’m sick of always feeling down. I’m sick of the full-blow panic attacks. I’m sick of the sad. I’m sick of my mind play tricks on itself. I’m sick of going from feeling every mishap in my body to not feeling a thing at all. But above all, I’m just sick. Sick & tired of the relentless pain...

Sorry, just needed to vent for a minute... ♥♥

Well, I went to my Dr & get the help I soo needed to stop that horrific fibro flair mixed with a wicked tension headache. Mmm Prednisone!! I'm sorry, I do not, I repeat I DO NOT like narcotics. They don't do anything for me. Plus on the end there's addiction & the rebound headaches. To me, it's not worth it. In my 6 year battle the ONLY thing that has helped me get back to somewhat "normal" is Prednisone. Obviously, I don't like the swelling, eating like a glutton &drinking like a fish... But who does?! It removes the majority of my pain so I can have some sort of sanity, relaxation & whatever normalcy I can muster.

Here's to hoping for a good weekend!
Kate =\

Thursday, September 20, 2012


OK I'm doing it.... I NEVER ask for help, but this time I'm asking EVERYONE for help. How do you cope mentally when your physical pain is surging through you? How do you not let your mental capacity break?!

I'm an emotional person... I feel things more than other's. I always say, "Some people need a spoonful of love, while I need a wheelbarrow full!" I cannot separate my mental & physical pain. Once it gets to that point where I'm writhing on the floor in agony, I just cannot breathe through it. Or listen to music to calm me down. (Don't get me wrong THESE are WONDERFUL suggestions, they just don't work for me) I break down mentally, anxiety, I get overwhelmed. Then the next thing I know I want to kill the pain. NOT MYSELF, just the pain.

I don't know what to do. NO pain meds have helped. NOTHING will take the pain away! I just end up a ball of nerves, & in complete shock. I only ask you this, because if you broke your leg (which is as extreme my pain gets) you wouldn't be trying to soothe yourself by breathing, or putting yourself mentally on a beach with warm air, seagulls & listening to the tide. NO! You'll be focused on that agony & freaking the crap out!!!

PLEASE if you have ANYTHING that will help me, I'M BEGGING YOU TO POST A COMMENT!!