Friday, July 14, 2017

This Just Sucks

What? What you say "sucks"?! This so called prison term, of being thrown into a body with intolerable, horrible, nauseating, PAIN!!! Otherwise known as Life with Chronic Pain. Everyday, all day pain. The kind of pain that asks for a way out, any way out. The kind of pain that keeps you from LIVING. The incessant pain that nags at your soul, penetrating you deep down. Leaving you to believe that this existence is over. This is not the life I wanted. For fucks sake who in their right mind would?! I'd like to think that no "healthy" individual, (Mental or physical) wouldn't even begin to portray this lie (life)... But then again, it takes all kinds. The world is made up of majorly fucked up people...

In essence, I JUST have come off of a massive pain binge. Meaning, the pain was so bad I had to go to the E.R. (How many more times can I say the word pain?!?!) So that was this past Wednesday. I was in dire agony with a severe Trigeminal Neuralgia attack (facial nerve pain), a constant Migraine, Fibromyalgia flair (all over body nerve pain) PLUS my fucking period!! Yeah, I know, too much information... But that's me, so oh well... HAHAHA!!!

This left me raw, damaged & yet thankful. I'm so thankful I didn't listen to the inner demons & end my suffering myself. Say what you will, having such a high amount of pain will entertain your mind to do VERY messed up things. All I ask, is that you don't judge me. We ALL handle our pain, lives & minds differently. What may be normal to me, is chaos to you.

So please if you're thinking judgmentally, leave it there; in your mind. I am dealing with this the only way I know how... By the seat of my pants. I don't have a plan. I don't have a strict set of guidelines to light my way. Does any one?!?!! Yes, we have pain management plans. (How to handle our pain @ home or at the emergency room or even urgent care) But no one knows what this life has for us... I can manage my diet, stress, sleep & still get slammed by some outside source. Like the weather!! I can honestly plan my life around what the humidity, storms etc, have in store. But then again, some others aren't even affected that much by weather. Like I sad, normal for me, chaos for you...

I don't know where I am even going with this. This is my therapy, it helps me get through it all. Quite honestly I am shocked I even got out the laptop & logged in to my blogger account. But then again, I think every thing happens for a reason. If even one person gets something, anything out of this, my mission is complete. I know it helped me!

I cannot say how often I'll be writing. I'd like to start off once a week or so... We'll see, small goals to start off with right?

Please leave me a comment, if the notion strikes you. I'd LOVE to hear what you have to say & hear about your experiences.

As Always,

Friday, January 15, 2016

"By the way just so you know. Always, everyday, this is how I feel."

Pain has me rattled to my core. Depression has taken a hold... This poem sums it up perfectly. Written by me obviously...

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Been too long...

I hate that I've been away for what seems like years. Well it has been!!! The last post was all about insomnia. There was a reason I was such a severe insomniac?!?! I WAS PREGNANT!!!  I quit smoking, lost a lot of weight & was the healthiest I've ever been.
Now more than 2 years later I'm a mother to a beautiful little girl named Gracyn. Gained all my weight back & back into the throws of chronic pain.
Pregnancy was great to me. About 16 weeks in my migraines stopped & didn't return until 2 weeks postpartum. Even while nursing, I still got the Migraines back!!! Ugh
Motherhood, with Chronic illness' hasn't been easy. I struggle to make it through each day. I fight with my body to do the "normal" things that need to be done. Diapers, playing with a rambunctious toddler, keeping the house in a maintainable state. You know, motherhood stuff.
I wanted to slowly ease myself back into this & let you all know, I'm a alive. As much as I can be...
Be well

Sunday, January 3, 2016


Today is the 4th week that I have been dealing with the most horrendous, unrelenting insomnia I've EVER had. Usually by now it lets up, but as of now (obviously) it isn't.
I have never had to go to my primary care physician & ask for help, but last Monday I did. Within that week I was on 3 DIFFERENT medications!!! (Ambien, Hydroxine & Klonopin) As you can probably guess, NONE of them have helped.
The only thing that I found to help is getting out of the house & physically excerting myself to the point that my body is killing me & begging for me to stop. Which isn't saying much, becuase my body always feels like that with the Fibromyalgia kicking my butt everyday. The day I did exhaust myself was Saturday. My Hubby & I walked for what seemed like miles. All around different stores, up & down every blasted isle....

I can say that it helped me sleep, but not being able to walk due to the immense pain of my body & head pains, is PURE TORTURE!!!

I guess I'll just have to wait this out & see what happens... I can't push myself any farther & be in constant pain. (More than I am ususally)

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Another New Year...

I'm sitting here thinking about what 2013 will be like & I can't shake off the feelings of anxiety that come with it. I know, I know, I over analyze everything & bring this all upon myself. However, I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. Especially, if you're a chronic pain sufferer.

I never make resolutions for the new year. Why you ask? That's just plain & simple. It's easier said than done & why set myself up to fail? My existence now is based on failures. Simple & ugly failures like not being a social butterfly, not being able to go outside when it's bitter cold, even though we NEED to go out to get groceries. The list goes on & on.  A lot of people don't realize but my greatest effort in the day is just taking a shower.

I've come to realize that resolutions don't mean a darn thing. Why just because a new year has started that we feel we must improve ourselves? Why can't we all just work at something everyday, or be a decent human being? A simple act of kindness goes a long way. Hold a door open for someone, smile at someone as you walk by & by all means don't make accusing faces at someone with a handicapped parking sticker. That one really bothers me... You don't know what I go through, you don't know how I feel. Yes, I may LOOK normal, but inside my body is reeling.

As you can tell, I'm bitter. I'm frustrated. I'm mad. Because, I know no matter how hard I may try to improve myself, my pain & mental status will ruin it all for me. I'm going into my 7th year w/ chronic pain & my 4th year of all day everyday agony. When I look back & see all that I've gone through, it makes me cry. I haven't stopped this demon from invading me. I haven't even come anywhere close to having the life I said I'd have 7 years ago. "A manageable condition that would sometime knock me down, but I would fight through it." YEAH RIGHT! Little did I know then, that this horrible headaches would multiply & bring in new friends to ruin my life.

All I can do now is look on the bright side. I've suffered A LOT, but you know what?! No matter how much I complain, vent or whine, I'm still going to wake up tomorrow feeling the same. If I'm lucky I won't feel worse than I am now. I just have to put on my warrior paint & fight to survive each & everyday that comes at me. Because that is what I am & will always be...

A chronic pain demon fighter!

Best wishes to all of you in the new year! May we all keep fighting & never ever loose HOPE!

K8 =]

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Trapped In This Body

Depression has taken a hold of me. Anxiety rattles me to the core. Pain has a grasp on every fiber of my being. I exist only through pain. Pain has become me, I have become pain.

As I sit here writing this, I am so much pain! I can only describe it as EVERYWHERE!!! From the top of my head, to my toes are in agony. I'm on the brink of crying (I've already succumbed to that earlier) I try to distract myself with Facebook, or talking to my Hubby. But it's still there, seething, gnawing & tearing me apart.

There's nothing I can take or do to make it go away. Pain meds don't work, they only leave me constipated. (Too much info?!) I can't focus on anything, it's hard to read, crochet, or even jumble these sentences along. That's why I like Facebook... Mindless fun, support & well there isn't really all that much to focus on besides what people write. Short little diddys I can comprehend...

All I want is for the pain to die a horrible death! Die & leave me alone!! I've suffered long enough. I want you gone. I have become a shell of my former self. A fake smile plastered to my face, a fake laugh. While all I do inside is cry, weep, scream & resent these pain demons that have taken ahold of me.

I have Hope still, that's all that's keeping me going. I'm going to see a Pain Management Specialist in less than a month. I have no false hope though. I've been through that. So, sad to say I'm going to that appointment with the end results already in mind. "I can't help you. Have you seen this Doctor?"

All I can Hope for is that SOMEONE has help for me. Until that day happens, I'm trapped in this living hell. Surviving each day, only to face yet another day. Whatever that day will bring, I don't know. That's my sad, strange enjoyment. My little personal thrill ride...

K8 =\

Saturday, September 29, 2012

My Own Personal D-Day

I cannot honestly believe that is has been 6 whole years. That one night, that one single "headache", that took my life & transformed it. It took away my everything & changed my life complete 360 degrees.

It all started with one Cluster Headache. Then another one the next night, then another. During its course of invading my body it added other "headaches" along the way. "Why not?!" It says. "Let's have a party up here & invite the whole gang!".  The Migraines had been invited to stay with the Clusters. Then over 3 years now a Chronic (everyday) Tension Headache has picked up housekeeping in my brain & has no plans to comply with the eviction notice I've sent it on multiple occasions. The Trigeminal Nueralgia moved in next door shortly after, with out my compliance. They are all here for some reason. They chose my brain over someone elses & I'll never know why. My body simply couldn't fight off the infiltrators. They  have placed a banner outside all of their doors reminding me, "No matter what you do, no matter how you try to evict us, we are NEVER leaving. Medications can't touch us, so keep trying!!". Then in March, they invited their cousin Fibromyalgia over. The Fibro decided it liked it here too & now is here in cahoots with them all.

They taunt me, they infiltrate me, they take me away from who I was. That person I'll never see again. They peek their heads out of their doors, just to make sure that I know they are still there. As if I'll forget!!

When they do come outside their lairs, they do so in full force. The party they throw in my cranium is horrendous & never seems to end. But somehow they get bored & go back to their dwellings, only to come out again & reek havoc on me. Over & over this process happens. I don't know when they will strike, that is their game.

However, over the past 6 years I've learned a lot. I learned that no matter how many "parties" they'll throw, I'll survive them. It may not be easy & my sanity may come in to play with it. But I know, I'll wake up the next day, only to fight off whomever comes out to play...

Not only do I have to give myself a pat on the back for being "strong", I also want to thank a few people. My husband for one, who sees me through the worst & helps me get off the edge of sanity. He is my caretaker, waiting on me, cooking for me, etc. It pains me to have him see me go through all this, but there is no one I'd rather go through it with!! I LOVE YOU MIKEY!!

My parents, for their unrelenting help. Anything they can & will to to ease my comfort, they both are right there. I know deep down inside no Mother or Father wants to see their child go through so much pain. I know it can't be easy. But the love they have for me is amazing & I love them right back! I Love you oodles Billum & Bumbie

My brother & sister in law who have seen me through this too. I know sanity isn't something someone wants to deal with first hand. Especially, when that particular person is a blubbering mess. But I thank them both for dropping what they were doing to help me in an instant!! A&K

I also want to thank all of my family members. One's who call (Tina) & check in on me. Those that offer an ear, & truly understand how hard it is to be me. Without you all I wouldn't have such an amazing support system! You know who you are!! And much love goes out to certain "Family" who surprised me with Christmas in September!!! LOVE YOU LADIES J&J!! Plus the little ones!!

Finally, I want to thank all of you who have followed, commented, & read my blog. I never knew the world outside of my house could be so compassionate. I've met (not physically) some of the best friends & supporters a gal could ask for. Facebook, Twitter & all my support group friends I love you! You know first hand what I'm going through & are always there for a suggestion or just to let me vent.

I can't do this alone, & I'm not planning to. THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL, for all your help, compassion & love you share with me. There are no words to describe how happy you all make me!!!

Much love & Hope
Kate =]