Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dark Cloud of Sorrow...

Let me just start out by saying this may get a little deep here so bear with me…

I am such a weird person, that I’ll never admit I have a problem. Not just any little old problem. A mental problem… I will never tell anyone around me that I am depressed, anxious, or even mad. But something deep inside me told me what I was feeling wasn’t normal. I didn’t have to suffer with these thoughts, feelings & horrible emotions. So I sucked up my pride & asked my doctor for help. Lately this whole chronic condition drama has been getting to me. I’d like to think that after almost 6yrs of dealing with chronic headaches, my mental health has been great. I don’t let “it” get to me, seems like I am more influenced by others… Other peoples reactions to me, thoughts, & actions. I also don’t bury my feelings, if I have a problem you better be sure there is going to be a long stream of word vomit emanating from my mouth!!

Like I said before (I got side tracked as usual) I admitted to myself I have a problem & asked for help. I have been getting these immense panic attacks. I’ve never had one before & I never realized how severe they can be! I just succumbed to all that has been going on with me. I crippled under the pressure, & my body couldn’t take anymore. I have been getting the whole “Why me” & “I cant do this” thoughts. I’ll be very honest, I even had thoughts of suicide. The pain has invaded my castle, taking over every single aspect of my kingdom. Changing the rules, making a new Queen, & sending the Huntsman after my heart. Sending a dark cloud of despair throughout my whole being. I wasn’t strong, I lost my drive, my determination, & the Huntsman has caught up to me.

As of right now as I sit in a hospital waiting room (family member having minor surgery) I feel a little better. The panic attacks have diminished to 2 a day besides 12. Not only have the medications helped, but I’ve also changed. I’ve stopped thinking of “Why me” & instead say “Why not me?” I have stated this many times & I’ll keep repeating it until the day I die, IM A FIGHTER!! WHY CANT I DO THIS? Maybe there is a reason I got chose to handle these burdens. Just because my life didn’t turn out the way I expected it to (SERIOUSLY WHOSE LIFE REALLY DOES?) doesn’t mean I cant enjoy the time I have left. I can handle this, I can, I can, & I will. Because in all honesty, I don’t have a choice! I don’t have another body I can transfer to, even though that would be awesome!!! I think my next realization about myself has to be, knowing & allowing myself to relax. I have to not think of myself as a burden too. Whenever I have a bad day, I always think, “I wish I could do this”, or “That needs to be done.” Breathe K8 calm down… Like the famous movie states’ “After all, tomorrow is another day!”

Lots of hugs to all!

1 comment:

laura_migraine said...

Very inspirational post, know exactly how you've been feeling but its best for you to try and fight it. You will be free from pain!!