Friday, March 2, 2012


I hurt so bad inside,
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Each day is the same,
I just wanna laugh again...

This song lyric has stuck with me throughout my whole ordeal. There's nothing more that I want & need more than validation, acceptance & feeling "normal". I do say "normal" a lot, but you have to understand I'm far from normal. I do not lead a "normal" life, I don't have a job, or kids. (Dog's count right?!)  I can't make plans without changing them due to my pain levels. If it's a holiday, well pardon my french, I'm screwed. Put on the "happy/strong face" & deal with it. Out of the week, 5 days I do not get dressed. Pj's have become my wardrobe, overtaking my dresser. It's pretty sad when I have more PJ's than regular clothes. My life unfolds while I take refuge on the couch or bed. The only thing I look forward to during the day is, "When will it (the pain) stop", "I wish I could do this" (insert activity here), and sadly the negative thoughts that come with depression. WHY am I not good enough? WHAT did I do to deserve this?

I'd just love a "normal" life that would entail a full time job, a functional social life, basically all the things one could do with a pain free existence! 

All I want out of life right this now is to feel a sense of validation. A feeling that I matter, that I was put here on this Earth for a reason. A reason that doesn't include suffering...  That doesn't include the small feelings I get when I finish a crochet project. I'm talking like long term fulfillment!  Something you would get from volunteer work. I would absolutely love to do so, but I never will know how I'll feel. This sense of worthlessness has NEVER gone away. It's something I've always battled. Everyday feels worthless. You get a good day & feel productive, but the self fulfillment never stays around. It leaves as soon as you have a week of bad days. Which is "normal" for me!! Ughhh, I tell you it's so frustrating!!

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