Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Crap List

Its been a while, hasn't it? I haven't posted because, well, things haven't been going all too fabulously.

1. Nuerologist YAY! End sarcasm here...

(Just for facts sake this is the same nuerologist listed below) Yet again, I dumbly goto see this quack, and AGAIN he shows me what a complete idiot he is. Did we not see this coming?? "Here take this and let me know how you handle it". Your kidding me right? The drug he gave me (Topamax) I already had an allergic reaction to. "Oh that's ok, we will put you on another drug, to counteract the side effect" WTF?? Umm how about a big fat NO!! I've been on 20 something drugs (a lot has changed since October) what's one more? B.S!! He's a nuerologist for god's sake!! One would think he would NOT put me on a DRUG that I could potentially DIE from??
Seriously this man is a joke of a so called Dr. He's a in and out type of guy, "Here's this drug call me in 6 weeks". Well what if I have a problem with that drug? "Call the office, and we'll take care of it" Ok. Sounds good. EXCEPT: when I call the office to leave YOU a message, I NEVER get a call back! Gravy!

2. The fantasic Holiday Season...

grrr... It all went well, but too much all at one time. Can you say massive pain?? Enough said!

3. New pain!
(Shut the front door! Really??)

Those two words scare the ever lasting life out of my soul. Not only have I experienced severe pain from the CH, I've now "out of the blue" developed a new condition. Apparently if you have one type of headache you can obtain others... Well I'll be damned!! So now I get cluster headaches, on top of chronic daily headaches, on top of tension headaches! Which all are nothing compared to the satanic CH. Yay me!!

4. The hibernation of the infamous cluster headache

Now for some strange reason I haven't had an attack in 2 months! I know cluster headaches come in cycles, and Im just starting to figure them out. For example when they start and stop. I just don't want to be in that postion to have CHs and chronic daily headaches at the same time. If that's even possible.
It's a major accomplishment for me, going so long with out an attack. No preventative medication, nada! Which makes me wonder "Do I even need to be on preventative meds?" Seeing as though I haven't been on any since early December, and haven't had an attack. It seems like all that hassle was for zip, zero, ziltch. But believe me I can handle the pain of the daily headaches any day as long as the clusters stay dormant. Oh well, only time will tell how my semi pain free remissions last.

5. "Woe is me"

I got so depressed and sick of my pain that all I wanted to do is sleep, if I could. I can't believe it happened but I guess its all apart of the pain bearing process. It has been over 2yrs that I have been dealing with with no relief in cluster headache duration, just pain modification. This new diagnosis of chronic daily headaches has been a pain in the ass. Meaning, its been somewhat easier to deal with the cluster period over, still painful none the less. Adding fuel to the headache fire!
I guess the only reason I gave up was because I thought nothing was going to work, the Dr's told me I'm fabricating the pain (many have told me that), and it's all in my head. (Literally! HA! the mean Dr's say that too)

Being in daily pain ranging from "Ok I can deal with this" to banging your head on the floor hoping the constant thrashing will somehow kill the unrelenting demon seed living in my head, has been by far the worst events in my small existence. The daily pain takes its toll on me physically and mentally, as it would for anyone. I've been entombed in this house, not seeing the outside world for days on end. Afraid to go out because of when or how the pain will spike. For some reason I was Ok with that. During those times I would picture what I have always wanted for my life, and what I thought I should be doing besides watching precious time pass me by. That in and of itself brought me down even farther in this torturous spiral. Finally she gets it out!!

Its been a long battle, and its not even close to being over. But it is not by any means the worst in history! There comes a time you start to say to yourself over and over "How could this get any worse?" and "What will work to make it all go away?"... It will get worse and there is something out there that WILL help. Im 100% positive of that. I've just got to get to the other side of the so called "healing street". While that bridge seems to be closed for construction, I've just got to put on my big girl unders and deal with it!!! My day's coming, help will come!!

The only thing that seems to bring some realism is finding other blogs/personal experiences and come to the realization... Its not all that bad. There are people who have my condition even worse and I sympathize with you. May we all be cluster heads on the same boat that will surely sink. But with time, medical research or a cure, as our saving grace!

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