I'm sitting here thinking about what 2013 will be like & I can't shake off the feelings of anxiety that come with it. I know, I know, I over analyze everything & bring this all upon myself. However, I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. Especially, if you're a chronic pain sufferer.
I never make resolutions for the new year. Why you ask? That's just plain & simple. It's easier said than done & why set myself up to fail? My existence now is based on failures. Simple & ugly failures like not being a social butterfly, not being able to go outside when it's bitter cold, even though we NEED to go out to get groceries. The list goes on & on. A lot of people don't realize but my greatest effort in the day is just taking a shower.
I've come to realize that resolutions don't mean a darn thing. Why just because a new year has started that we feel we must improve ourselves? Why can't we all just work at something everyday, or be a decent human being? A simple act of kindness goes a long way. Hold a door open for someone, smile at someone as you walk by & by all means don't make accusing faces at someone with a handicapped parking sticker. That one really bothers me... You don't know what I go through, you don't know how I feel. Yes, I may LOOK normal, but inside my body is reeling.
As you can tell, I'm bitter. I'm frustrated. I'm mad. Because, I know no matter how hard I may try to improve myself, my pain & mental status will ruin it all for me. I'm going into my 7th year w/ chronic pain & my 4th year of all day everyday agony. When I look back & see all that I've gone through, it makes me cry. I haven't stopped this demon from invading me. I haven't even come anywhere close to having the life I said I'd have 7 years ago. "A manageable condition that would sometime knock me down, but I would fight through it." YEAH RIGHT! Little did I know then, that this horrible headaches would multiply & bring in new friends to ruin my life.
All I can do now is look on the bright side. I've suffered A LOT, but you know what?! No matter how much I complain, vent or whine, I'm still going to wake up tomorrow feeling the same. If I'm lucky I won't feel worse than I am now. I just have to put on my warrior paint & fight to survive each & everyday that comes at me. Because that is what I am & will always be...
A chronic pain demon fighter!
Best wishes to all of you in the new year! May we all keep fighting & never ever loose HOPE!
K8 =]
