Well it's official...

I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I can't say I didn't know it was coming. I've felt some pain in my lower back, hips, knee's, shins, ankles, shoulders, and the back of my head. At first when this started a month ago, I thought I wasn't wearing the right shoes. It didn't feel like I was getting enough support. However, no matter what I did, it never seemed to go away! Me being the knowledge freak I am immediately started looking up all my pains & everything thing I read pointed to Fibromyalgia.

I can honestly say, I'm ok with the diagnosis. I knew something was wrong, & I prepared myself for the worst. I can't speak for my family, but they all seemed more scared than I was. It all comes down to this, I'm a fighter, this or any condition I have IS NOT going to beat me!!

Let me just fill you in on what the Fibromyalgia has been like...

I have an easier time with it in the morning. My body is easier to maneuver, & I don't wake up in too  much pain. (The head is a whole other story. Still fighting that daily battle!) I feel this constant deep ache, tingling, and then as the day progresses it turns into a shooting pain. Starting from my ankles, all the way up to my hips & lower back. Then back down again. (That's not even including the pain radiating in my shoulders & neck) It's bearable then goes to a complete shocking pain. It is comparable to my 20lb pug Fudge jumping on me constantly. Pounding & pounding, never ending. It hurts to walk, but it hurts more to lay down. The pressure of the couch is enough to send my tender areas into over drive! As evening falls, I'm lucky if I can even get up. My God, I feel like I need a walker. I'm all hunched over, baby stepping my way through the house.

I've fallen 4 times so far (no injuries just bruises) & had quite a lot of episodes where I couldn't get up. The first time really rocked me. My husband & I had some family members over & as hard as I tried, I couldn't get up off the couch. That really bothered me. My body was failing me & there was absolutely nothing I could do about it!! I instantly broke down in tears, making a spectacle out of myself. Inside I kept saying my mantra, "This isn't going to beat me" & my body finally complied, also with the physical strength of a family member aiding me to a standing position. Hey, everyone no matter how strong needs a weep. I never had mine with this new diagnosis, so maybe that was my time!

Speaking of Fudge, I also knew something was terribly wrong with me when she wouldn't leave my side. (This was before the diagnosis, but she still does this every day.) Everyday she'd camp out right next to me on the couch. She'd follow me all around. Now if I wince in pain & cry out, those big brown eyes will look into mine, assuring me everything would be ok. She's quite the Mama's girl now! She's calmed down quite immensely, & never ever jumps on me anymore!! Yay!!

Well that's about it. I'm new to this whole Fibro world & haven't really figured out if I have any flare triggers, or what meds will help. My doctor put me on Lyrica & I'm still in the transition of upping the dosage. So if anyone has some tips, ideas or what medicines have worked for anyone with Fibromyalgia, your input is greatly appreciated!! I want to know all I can, so that my demon fighting army is ready for battle!!

Wishing you all well,

K8 =]

I'm so tired...

I don't know why I'm even writing this. I'm so terribly tired. Maybe venting about it will help me sleep. In all seriousness, I haven't been sleeping well. It seems like the only time I do sleep is when it's drug induced. Mmm muscle relaxers... They may "help me" sleep, but it's not a good, refreshing slumber. For the past week, I've probably slept an average of 1 to 3 hours a night. I don't know why!! The pain hasn't been terrible. (knocking on wood) The pain levels are nothing I haven't dealt with before. I just honestly can't drift off. I wake up constantly, either hot or my head is doing its normal pain dance. My husband & I sleep with a fan on & the windows open. So it's not actually "hot" in the boudoir. The worst part is I'm keeping the Hubby up too. My tossing & turning, tosses him too! I feel so guilty. If I knew why I'm an insomniac, I wouldn't feel this much regret!!

I'm not going to turn to medications either. I'm sick of taking them & who knows if it will even help?  Also, I only drink 2 cups of coffee in the morning. I don't drink anything else all day w/ caffeine. I haven't changed my diet. I've ruled everything else out. It's almost like my "sleep switch" is stuck in the off position. Something inside me is stopping me from meeting the Sandman on my pillow each night.

I just don't get it. Im TIRED darn it!!  Physically my body is giving up, I'm exhausted. Literally seconds away from being clinically insane. I'm delirious. I laugh at the stupidest things... I'm just torn. I hope things turn around, or I'm going to... I don't even know. Go insane?! Lol!

Here's to some sweet dreams

K8 =]

Double Rainbow!

"Everyone wants to be happy and nobody wants to feel pain, but you can’t make rainbows without any rain." ~Unknown

Yesterday was a glorious day here in my part of the world. It was 77 degrees out! Unheard of for March. My Husband & I got a lot done outside. We cleaned up the yard of all the sticks, leaves, and dog waste. Lol!! (I helped as much as I could. Hubby did most of the work) While we were enjoying the miraculous weather, a storm rolled in. I ran outside to catch this beautiful sight, getting soaked in the process. But it was so worth it!

K8 =]

Holy Crap On A Cracker!!! What a Day!!

Well, today has been a VERY good day!! First of all I feel like crap. The pain won't subside, & leave me alone. (that's nothing new!!) I got to see pictures of my friends baby, due in June. This is her 2nd child, a baby boy in 3D!! Then (this one made me so very happy) I see a link on Facebook announcing that us Migraine & Cluster Headache Demon Fighters have a RIBBON!! IT'S PURPLE!!! Funny, my phone case is purple, my bracelet is purple, I have purple purses... OK, my favorite color is purple!! (That's why I got so excited!) OK, OK getting off track... Then I see on Facebook from a good friend, that my blog has been added to the Headache Disorder Blog Network!! I'm so appreciative, honored, amazed. The list goes on & on.

The only reason I started this blog was for me & to find others like me. It's a small space in this world, where my feelings can be released. I can vent, cry, and be frustrated, and no one will judge me. This is just my place, for therapy, to make myself feel better! I never would've advertised this blog if it wasn't for Twitter. I've never physically met another human with my condition. However, through social networking I have "met" some really honest, empathetic, friendly, people who have become my second family. Plus, they all know what I go through, because most of them have the same conditions I do! No matter if I'm down, or happy as a clam, I know that a few pushes of a button I have someone there who completely understands what I go through! (Besides my husband of course) Thanks to all of my dear friends who believe, understand, love, and will always lend a helping hand!!

Well, I said what I needed to. Not very well, I know I'm not the best at getting feelings out into the open, but I think I got my point across! I want you to know I welcome everyone to my world & love opinions. So please leave a comment!! Also, due to my condition, I'm not on here all the time. So please don't expect to hear from me a lot. I post about once a week or 2 weeks. Thank you all & I am looking forward (now more so) to sharing my small world with you! =]

K8

Poem...

"Invisible Disease "

See her pain
Feel her sorrow
She wants no gain
Just sees tomorrow

Consistently one sided
Invisible disease
Why was this decided
Nothing done with ease

Smiling face
Covers the fire
Drugs can't chase
Painless desire

My husband wrote his poem today. There's no additional  words needed. I cried, knowing how deeply he understands. It takes my breath away every time I read it. <3

Validation

I hurt so bad inside,
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Each day is the same,
I just wanna laugh again...

This song lyric has stuck with me throughout my whole ordeal. There's nothing more that I want & need more than validation, acceptance & feeling "normal". I do say "normal" a lot, but you have to understand I'm far from normal. I do not lead a "normal" life, I don't have a job, or kids. (Dog's count right?!)  I can't make plans without changing them due to my pain levels. If it's a holiday, well pardon my french, I'm screwed. Put on the "happy/strong face" & deal with it. Out of the week, 5 days I do not get dressed. Pj's have become my wardrobe, overtaking my dresser. It's pretty sad when I have more PJ's than regular clothes. My life unfolds while I take refuge on the couch or bed. The only thing I look forward to during the day is, "When will it (the pain) stop", "I wish I could do this" (insert activity here), and sadly the negative thoughts that come with depression. WHY am I not good enough? WHAT did I do to deserve this?

I'd just love a "normal" life that would entail a full time job, a functional social life, basically all the things one could do with a pain free existence! 

All I want out of life right this now is to feel a sense of validation. A feeling that I matter, that I was put here on this Earth for a reason. A reason that doesn't include suffering...  That doesn't include the small feelings I get when I finish a crochet project. I'm talking like long term fulfillment!  Something you would get from volunteer work. I would absolutely love to do so, but I never will know how I'll feel. This sense of worthlessness has NEVER gone away. It's something I've always battled. Everyday feels worthless. You get a good day & feel productive, but the self fulfillment never stays around. It leaves as soon as you have a week of bad days. Which is "normal" for me!! Ughhh, I tell you it's so frustrating!!

Is Empathy Dead?

Em·pa·thy

- noun 1. identification with the feelings of another

I don't know about many other patients with a chronic illness, but isn't empathy what we all need? Whether we're striving for it from someone else, or understanding anothers condition. I sense a lack of empathy in my life. When I tell someone I have headaches, their mind goes right to that cliche.  You know the one I'm talking about... The slight annoying pain you get from a hangover, or from stress. Not the debilitating pain I feel from a day to day basis. I'm not trying to be mean when I say this, but I wish I had another word for my condition.  When someone says "cancer", you know right away what that means. What this person goes through. The empathy is right there, the understanding comes right out. Saying "headache" doesn't bring that type of response. Neither does "migraine".  It may for some people, but in my life, w/ my surrounding people it doesn't!

I just want people to understand me. Accept me for who I am. Not think of me as some kind of outcast. I feel as if I should be thrown away on an island, never to be thought of again. Others treat me with no dignity, like I'm not a human. I'm some sort of animal with a contagious disease. Example, no one hardly asks how I'm doing. I don't know if it's due to the fact they don't care, or if they don't know HOW to ask. Seriously, how hard is it to ask 3 little words?! I know I'm being very bitter, but I'm sick of being sick!! I'm disgusted with others. Why am I not good enough to be asked, "What's up?".

I guess what I'm trying to get at, is everyone has issues. Everyone is fighting something. I just wish people wouldn't be so quick to judge one another. Don't jump to conclusions. If you don't understand something, don't judge it. Ask & I will gladly pour my heart out!!

"Remember this: Nobody has it easy. You never know what people are going through. Every one of us has issues. Everyone is fighting a battle."

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